Leaving little left for here.
Plus my key into this mansion
Has gone missing.
Today, wanting to borrow
what I'd left here long ago
I found my key
unlocked the creaky door
and walked around
alone
I shouted down hallways
But no one was here
to hear.
So I leave these words
My "Kilroy was here"
to mark my return.
7 comments:
Hey Steve, glad to see you’re back.
Nice work…I wonder if that second stanza shouldn’t be broken into two stanzas right after the word “alone”...not sure.
How about some more poetry?
i liked the playful attitude of this poem. the first two words were especially fun--"blogging's gobbled". i liked that sound combination. i would maybe suggest taking out the "up" after that combo...just sounds a little better i think. also i liked the emptiness and echoing feeling of the second stanza--how you evoked that sense without using those words. i would edit the word choice throughout the poem--you use the word "here" several times...maybe a different selection, especially in such a short poem? But thanks for this, nice work.
Steve, thanks for the comments. Breaking up stanza two would make all the stanza the same size. I think I didn't break them because each is whole unit by itself.
LO, Good comments. Up should go, you're right.
I didn't consciously do the echo, but and I thought about having the here/hear sounds so close together, but decided it was ok. Maybe it was because of the echo.
And I didn't like the third here, but "Kilroy was here' was exactly the image I wanted. Someone secretly leaving his mark so others would know he'd been there. I decided the Kilroy added more than the third here sound took away. But I agree, it does take a little away.
But it really was a poem written solely to say to the Hungry Writers that I'm back. I thought a poem was the least I owed you.
I quite enjoy your poetry. The only thing that I wasn't too sure of the last stanza, perhaps you could do without it. It just seems too clear compared to the rest of the voice. It startled me a bit though not enough to get me to fall off my chair :P.
was the word up supposed to have a line through it? It did seem to work and referred to the word gobbled before it.
Thanks for the read, would like to see more. Have a good day ;)
Well, man, I'm glad you're back and I'm happy to say I am also now. Sorry for the long absence.
What a great way to announce your return. I enjoyed this very much and it even made me chuckle. The Kilroy was a very nice touch indeed.
I'm wondering if you're pleased with the outcome of the big trial up there? Was justice served and are you going to be posting an essay about the whole affair? I'd like to read it. Cheers!
Tiger, Just saw your comment. I crossed out the 'up' at LO's suggestion - I agreed it wasn't necessary.
I probably should explain that I wanted to post part of the piece I'd posted here about evaluating poetry on my blog. That was the meaning of "wanting to borrow what I'd left here long ago."
Thanks for the kind words.
PB, Glad to see you lurking around. I have posted on the Stevens trial. You have to know Ted and Alaska to understand his form of denial. We're all hoping our fellow voters will make it all moot on Tuesday. If you're interested you can see the Ted Stevens posts here:
http://whatdoino-steve.blogspot.com/search/label/Ted%20Stevens
If you go to the blog, you'll see why I've been relatively quiet here. I could put stuff up in non-fiction, but somehow it doesn't seem right to post both places, and for posts here I think I need to spend more time on making the words just right.
I'm a little curious - you got the Kilroy reference, but do the younger people know it too?
These are some exceptionally bright young people in HW so there's no telling really. I think anyone much younger than myself would not normally be likely to get that reference. Actually, I think my age bracket was really the last to graffiti "Kilroys" all over. ^o^
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