Maybe you cannot
know this with waking
thoughts, yet the soul
knows what the human
eye cannot see–the promises
to ourselves, to our true
companions, poems written on air,
clusters of dandelion seed
spiraling on soft spring breezes.
The ashes are scattered
everywhere like leaves in October
that cannot be collected,
whispering regrets but never
goodbyes. The comforting scent
of coffee at 4 am when your house
is closed tight against quarrelsome
winter storms, the low rolling
sound you said were bear
laughs echoing with summer
thunder at some silly thing
I told myself.
You are written
in my heart with a fine
stitch that mends,
every word I have written
with this darned heart
a prayer that you can not forget
this twin soul and remember
the genius of your own.
7 comments:
I should have probably noted on this one that it is extremely raw. I posted it like this because I felt the need to get it out of my hands. Thanks.
P.B.,
This may be raw, but it's still wonderful. I like how thoughts and images are woven together, such as "promises to ourselves...poems written on air..." If you're going to do any rewriting, I suggest pulling in some of the images and refining how they flow together. Also, when you bring in "ashes" int he third stanza, I first think of ashes of the dandelion see, but know that's not right, so I get hung up a little.
The ending is beautiful..."you will never forget / your twin soul and remember / the glory of your own.
Wonderful stuff here. I know you will turn it into something even more wonderful.
Gina
I also noticed the part about the 'ashes'. I think there is some confusion here as to what ashes/who do they belong to?
I really do think you could work on the opening.
Maybe you cannot
know this with waking
thoughts, yet the soul
knows what the human
does it mean that you to be asleep to know what the human eye cannot see? Or there some connection between souls. I assume the later, but this part is a little confusing.
I know you said that it is extremely raw, and it is ;) But there are some nice little images throughout 'The comforting scent
of coffee' though it might be nice to know what the scent is, though for coffee drinkers it is obvious.
I like 'the low rolling
sound'. Good going, needs a bit of work, though it is nice to see a rough bit of work from you, and not always perfection. lol Thanks for this;)
This isn't that rough. I wish I'd written it myself. Very powerful. What I like best about this poem is that it's so much less--dare I say it--wordy than most of your others. There's a real economy of language here, and it's refreshing. I wouldn't have even known it was yours if it weren't for the label.
Well you should have guessed it; four different people, four different opinions… so here’s my take on it. I love the first two stanzas. I wouldn’t change anything there.
The metaphor of the seasons seem to jump around a little in the body of the poem; spring, fall, winter then summer. Perhaps just stick with two seasons if you are trying to show contrast here.
The last three stanzas, like the beginning are some beautiful work. Beginning with “I told myself…” the only thing that got me here was the word “darned.” Perhaps something else to go with heart.
Anyway, I have to agree…it’s not that raw in my opinion either. It’s very nice work and I enjoyed it. Thanks for posting it.
-Steve
I posted the final rewrite of Hauntings if anyone cares to see how it turned out. A couple of quick notes about this one–
The line with "darned heart" is a play on the double meaning of darned, as in damned or troubled and also mended as in darned socks. It follows the fine stitch line so it fits. :)
The comments about the seeming randomness of the images, etc,they actually aren't disconnected at all. Poems written on air are dandelion seed and ashes scattered and fallen leaves that cannot be collected. This poem is full of things that are fragile, in pieces, scattered and possibly shattered. I'm a nut for themes after all, you can always trust that things are connected with me. I'm OCD about it.
Many thanks to all who commented on this. I think I like how it turned out.
Revisited this one. A pleasurable read as always. Cheers ;)
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