She bent low closer to leaves and bark
to tear off paper away from asleep birch trees
and told me her plans to chart out far into these woods
and find what was forgetten about her age three brother.
She said she thought she saw him in the sea
she remembered seeing him in a picture hanging on the kitchen cupboard.
She feigned memory to pick up a single strawberry
and listened close as the dark fades
a far away instrument we hear scraping its notes,
much like her father scrapes food to the floor for the dog on a plate;
he seems to not care, but she saw him write this once inside his bureau:
"a ghost eye saw something i found in the corner:
a ghost i saw waiting around the corner."
9 comments:
I am very particular about word usage and conserving words. When I read poetry I look for poems that are compact, short and yet at the same time powerfully imaginative and fresh. I am sure other members on this site can tell you that I more concerned with using the least possible about of words to create imagery and sound. So I have my own likes when it comes to poetry and I have my own direct way of commenting too :P
Anyaways, enough of that it seems very rough, and the lines very long. Also it appears to be overly wordy and literal. You also title the poem: 'Untitled' yet, you name it: 'Her Missing Brother'.
Perhaps your poem may be of lyrical worth, suited more as a song. However, I find it hard to get my head around without use of commas and a bit of a breather.
Like this sentence: 'She said she thought she saw him in the sea
she remembered seeing him in a picture hanging on the kitchen cubbard.,'
That seems very long too long and the word cubbard - is that a typo? Also you overkill with the word 'she' and 'him'. Which, kind of depresses me. - perhaps I have been working on my thesis for too long and perhaps I am looking at it like one of my re-worked edits.
"a ghost eye saw something i found in the corner:
a ghost i saw waiting around the corner' - those two lines are not needed. 'Ghost' and 'corner' repeated do not work and only inform me that you are making it longer for the sake of it.
The more I look at it the more sing-songy it seems. Perhaps if you really try to cut down on the words, tried to work on shorter images rather than over-powering the poem with a host of images it might work better.
Of course, it is just my opinion. Good to see some new blood here, welcome. And if anyone thought I disappeared, I'm still around, just don't have regular internet. I moved twice in a month, looking for work and trying to finish off my thesis. Hopefully, though I can sort something out - at least I can write in the meantime.
thanks tiger for the comment! i agree with you on most of your points, and being a rather new writer myself (tried my hand at this starting in 2006ish), I really don't have quiet a large frame of reference on what makes poetry "good" or "bad" as I kind of just write to relieve whatever is currently occupying me. So in that same vein I'm always interested in what seasoned writers think of my amateur work. And you are also right about cubbard, it should be 'cupboard'. I think that the word has been something that was engraved in my head early on (despite being incorrect). And rather than second guess yourself as whether your opinion is valid based upon you being involved with your thesis etc etc. I do think it is entirely important for me to get any and all feedback as possible, so thank you.
I'm going to try to particularize and condense this work more as I do agree it is almost too visual. Although, I don't really understand why it having a sing song quality or lyrical quality is a bad thing. From what I've understood about poetry, that's kind of a moot point. But anyway, I'll definitely look into it. Thanks again for the comment! And post some work please so there's more to read!
Tiger, I thought this poem had a lot of work left and so I chose to comment on Kid's second poem and then let Kid go back and look at this one him(her?)self.
Kid, since you say
"I really don't have quiet a large frame of reference on what makes poetry "good" or "bad" as I kind of just write to relieve whatever is currently occupying me."
I'll refer you to a post I made here sometime ago when I was pondering how one should critique poetry, called Musings on Poetry and Criticism in Four Parts.
thanks steve
the link doesn't quite work..
Try this one.
It works for me, but if it doesn't, it's listed on the right under poems "Musing on Poetry..."
I know this is rough, so I’m not going to add too much to what has already been said. I think with a fair amount of editing you will have a nice piece of work here. Even in a rough draft stage it had me. As you go through this one you might also want to break it up into more than one stanza. As its written now I see possibly three stanzas: after the word “brother”, after the word “cupboard”, and after “plate.” Of course it depends on your editing.
Good job, I look forward to seeing where you go with this one.
this critiquing is the bomb
for those unaccustomed: for something to be the bomb means it is awesome.
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