How long is this heat?
Every breath scorches ice
in the lungs just throw
one leg out in front
of the other. Not
much further now, head
up - breathe,
keep going,
try to catch the sun
blazing the shirt to
my back anchoring
me with sweat, dragging me down,
to a wet coolness,
on an aluminum can
that would be in my hand
now, instead of nothing
I’ve gained from an
afternoon run
in Alabama.
5 comments:
Steve, as I'm sure you understand this one caught my attention. LOL
I've been puzzled by it though, maybe I'm trying to read things into it that just aren't there and that's the problem. It wouldn't surprise me.
I got stuck on the title first. I don't know if I'm being dense or if you're being playful when you made it Running Alabama instead of Alabama Running? You see what I mean, I'm probably just being too serious about it.
The first line gave me pause too. Why long? I think you mean for me to get what the question is really but I'm not sure. Am I dense? Many have told me so. :)
I like "every breath scorches ice" that's such a perfect description of this heat down here.
I also liked:
try to catch the sun
blazing the shirt to
my back anchoring
me with sweat, dragging me down,
to a wet coolness,
Although I sort of wished you'd said "blazing the shirt" with a line break right there then using "on" instead of "to" and anchoring seemed a bit out of place because of the nautical connection. I know you want the weight there, possibly something from a gym like this:
blazing the shirt
on my back medicine ball
dragging me down with sweat
then wet coolness
on an aluminum can
What ya think? :)
Thanks, Steve. It was fun. Now get the hell out of that hell. LOL!
Hey PB,
I’d say you got it; nothing really hidden here. Yes, it’s just a simple poem about going for an afternoon run down here. And, since that’s all it is I had some fun and played around with words a little.
Your right about the line break; that does sound better. Also the anchor thing…something else might work better. I’ll give that one some thought.
I’ll be heading home (for a few days) next week and probably won’t be back down here until September. It should be cooler then; I hope : )
Thanks PB,
-Steve
It reads like a song, maybe something to play on the mp3 player when going for a run :P
I really like your strong opening line, it really throws the reader into the poem and grabs ones attention.
This part also appeals to me as it is conflicting and opposing in its imagery: 'Every breath scorches ice in the lungs'
I also enjoy the short lines, which adds to what seems to be a quick, short rhythm almost like the sound of running feet.
Altogether it's very well done, and the sound is what appeals to me the most. Thanks for a good read ;)
Sound is something that I usually keep messing with, going back and forth, trying to get right. I’m glad the running rhythm came through on this Tiger, because to me that was vital for this one. I know it still needs some work, but knowing that I believe I’m moving in the right direction.
Thanks for the read.
-Steve
Steve, I have to say I think Mr. Tiger did a much better job of reading this one than I did. Well done both of you. :)
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