there, in the moon's good light,
a man fall to the ground
quaking and strained without sound,
his whole being leaving with the last exit of air.
But when I got to the place where I swear he lay
I found just leaves and dirt which broke away
and in I fell down
and down when I pushed my boot through.
6 comments:
Kid, I haven't said much for a while and I'm always uncertain how much and what sort of feedback people want. But, I'll jump in.
The first three lines are powerful, just pulled me right in. The just flow so easily.
"in the moon's good light" - the words just roll out of the mouth easily, the image is very clear and easy to see.
"quaking and strained" interrupts the flow of the words, that up til here, were so natural. OK, maybe someone dying should stop the normal rhythm. Maybe it would be better "quaking and straining." I like that there's no 'a' before sound.
"last exit of air" bothers me. Exit is such an official word - a word that the law says has to be put up in public buildings. It's also moer an abstract concept for 'way out' and poetry usually does better with images we can see. I see an exit sign, not something a human does. I know, breath is almsot a cliche here, but exit, doesn't fit for me here.
I like the next two lines - repeating 'I swear' works for me. It reminds us of how real this was for you, yet foreshadows the ending.
I like the rhyming, but it draws attention to the fact that the beginning and ending don't rhyme.
Next line is fine.
I'd change the next ones to:
"and in I fell,
down and down.
the boot pushing through really is connected to "which broke away" and by this point, really isn't needed.
Overall nice job.
kid, i'm glad you posted! its been eerily quiet around here lately...
anyways i liked this work as well. i think that alaska steve gave excellent feedback. i agree that "exit" doesn't quite work here, but "breath" is too much of a cliche--maybe "puff" or something to that effect? i would also break up the lines a little bit, it might add a bit more punch...after all, this is a startling poem and i think that shorter lines would convey that surprise a bit more. but i also liked the first three lines especially, i thought they had excellent flow. nice work, i liked this one!
damn, great feedback guys, thank you. I definitely agree with you two that my syntax needs some work. I had been focusing mostly on working this poem to the point where it is almost ridiculously minimal in its description but equally as powerful in its concept. So I do agree, each word needs to fit the right way, and some aren't there quite yet.
But anyway, I'm loving the feedback. Though it might be a little quiet now, I think it shouldn't be hard to get some more action going on here if there's more poems going up more daily than monthly. I'll probably post more as drafts to get feedback because my one big problem is getting too close to my work and not reading it as an outside audience (I do the same thing with my video work and paintings).
Anyway, I'm going to probably re-post this one after I rework it a little and delete the old one. I have some ideas bouncing around for fixing the language already.
I like this. I like the conversational tone that it has. It reminds me of some of Sam’s work. I suggest just tightening it up a little; getting rid of a couple of un-needed words, but otherwise leaving it alone.
I had no problem with the line length…seemed to fit the tone well.
Perhaps instead of “exit” exhale might work. Another e word and you could drop the word “air” as that is a given. Just a thought.
Nice work, keep posting.
how about instead of "exit" the word bit? I also think that the part, 'when I pushed my boot through" is not needed as you already explained yourself previously. Certain repetition is good, though knowing when and where to use it is another thing.
Thanks for the read.
Well, Kid, it seems the group hasn't left me anything to point out. I find I agree with everything they've said here. Could be the impression left by the picture at the bottom but I did rather feel as though I were looking at a picture that suddenly sprang into motion. Overall a very nice effect. Cheers!
Post a Comment