…something I’ve been messing around with for a couple of days. I haven’t decided whether to pursue it or scrap it. Thanks for looking.
Why does the rain dew on your skin;
clouding your eyes?
A twist of the neck
throws wet hair aside,
where I may stand to view
the passing storm
and anticipate the peace
to follow me home.
3 comments:
Steve, i would absolutely pursue this one. it has some great images packed into these few lines. i really enjoyed the lines, "throws wet hair aside, / where I may stand to view / the passing storm". i just thought that part was the greatest. something about the line directly proceeding that one bothers me though--the "flick of the neck" part of it. i understand the movement you're going for, but the "flick" part of the movement doesn't seem to be associated with "neck" for me. for some reason i put a "flick" as something a person does with a finger, not a neck...but then again i can't really think of anything else to put in there so it might just be me being overly touchy. who knows. overall really nice work though. sorry its taken me so long to get to it.
Thanks L.O.
Your right about the word “flick.” I wasn’t too sure about it either, but couldn’t come up with another way to describe that movement of the neck. I’ll mess around with this one some more and see what I can come up with.
I'm absolutely very late with this, so sorry. What about:
A toss of the head
throws wet hair aside...
I absolutely agree with LO's remarks, very dead on as usual. I would add that you may want to drop the word "and" before "anticipate" and change the line to read:
anticipating the peace...
This is fine stuff, Steve. Please do finish it.
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