January on the Cape,
clouds heavy with threat,
ice and storm, but a rare winter
wind from down south made raindrops
dance on the frozen beach
and chide those furious
breakers till the ocean
lapped the sands penitently.
Sometimes one may find
redemption in the presence
of just such an extraordinary
vision, sometimes peace
and the healing of wounds,
so I stood patiently drenched
with the wordless glory of the place,
the weather, the early morning
sun just creeping through
a cleft in the gray, a little gold
illuminating the face of a child
I had overlooked somehow. Her eyes
were gray as storm clouds
yet bright, glinting with rain
or tears maybe. Something
in her face radiated longing
I have seldom felt, a pull
so devoted to one desire
that she seemed to belong there
at least more than I and perhaps
more than the impassive sands
of that stark beach or the grim
toothed rocks lurking just beneath
the surface of the vacillating
and often unforgiving sea.
clouds heavy with threat,
ice and storm, but a rare winter
wind from down south made raindrops
dance on the frozen beach
and chide those furious
breakers till the ocean
lapped the sands penitently.
Sometimes one may find
redemption in the presence
of just such an extraordinary
vision, sometimes peace
and the healing of wounds,
so I stood patiently drenched
with the wordless glory of the place,
the weather, the early morning
sun just creeping through
a cleft in the gray, a little gold
illuminating the face of a child
I had overlooked somehow. Her eyes
were gray as storm clouds
yet bright, glinting with rain
or tears maybe. Something
in her face radiated longing
I have seldom felt, a pull
so devoted to one desire
that she seemed to belong there
at least more than I and perhaps
more than the impassive sands
of that stark beach or the grim
toothed rocks lurking just beneath
the surface of the vacillating
and often unforgiving sea.
3 comments:
Nice to be back.
I'm guessing this is from P.B.
I'd go through and
1. cut out as many words as possible
2. change nouns to verbs
January on the Cape,
clouds heavy with threat,
to:
January on the Cape
Heavy clouds threaten
ice and storm, but a rare winter
wind from down south made raindrops
dance on the frozen beach
to:
ice and storm, but a rare southern wind sent raindrops dancing on the frozen beach
and chide[d] those furious
breakers till the ocean
lapped the sands penitently.
for example. I got the sense of the storm on the beach, but all those little words sucked out some of the power.
Excellent feedback, Steve! Many thanks as always and welcome back, my friend.
Okay, this isn't really what you asked me to do as you will see but I think nevertheless you have put me on a better course with the piece. Thanks very much!
Light in January
January on the Cape,
clouds heavy with threats
icing or nor’easter blowing
snow blind yet rare
winter winds from down
south made raindrops
dance on the frozen beach,
chiding those furious
breakers till the ocean
lapped the sand
penitently.
Sometimes we find
redemption in the presence
of just such an extraordinary
vision, sometimes peace even
the healing of wounds,
so I stood patiently drenched
with the wordless glory of the place,
the weather, the early morning
sun just creeping through
a cleft in the gray, a little gold
illuminating the face of a child
I had overlooked somehow.
Her eyes gray as storm clouds yet
bright, glinting with rain
or tears. Something in that
small face radiated longing
I have seldom felt, a pull
so devoted to one desire
she seemed to belong there
at least more than I and perhaps
more than the impassive sands
of that stark beach or the grim
toothed rocks lurking just beneath
the surface of this vacillating
often unforgiving sea.
Post a Comment