With your absence, you disturb
the child cooing in the cot
where angels sing above -
tangled up in strings.
Outside the wind whispers,
the echoing rain splashes under back lit porch,
as I study the faint sepia tone of your figure -
the soul trapped inside an old silver frame.
And with sad sagging eyes I think of your lips,
soft and tempting,
as baby whines softly in his sleep.
7 comments:
So I know it is very different for me (though it's still my depressing self) and perhaps very poorly done. I have been trying to make this better somehow for a while. Oh well, perhaps it is best to move on.
Wow! Are you kidding? This is great stuff! "...the echoing rain" I am not so sure about dances after echoing but I can't think of a better word at the moment.
I love the faint sepia figure trapped in the wooden frame. Gave me pause a second because for whatever reason I was thinking of furniture. I guess it must have been starting out with the cot. Maybe make it some other sort of frame, silver for instance? Then the reader would think of a picture frame right away. :)
Great work, Tiger. Cheers!
Yes this is different for you, but depressing, not at all.
In the second to last line the description of the “white teeth” seemed a little hard following the softness of the rest of the poem. Maybe …smile wide and tempting lips, or maybe inane lips as she is not there. Don’t know, that line just seemed to stick out at me.
I’d like to read more of your work like this. This is good stuff Tiger.
-Steve
thanks pb and steve for your comments. I guess I'll be investing a little more time with this poem and maybe encouraging the development of this new voice :P
There was a little bit of confusion about the picture frame and the cot. i was in two minds about focusing more on the cot and getting rid of the image in the frame altogether. Perhaps this confusion on my part translates to the poem. Also certain things like the dancing rain - pb you addressed and the 'white teeth' Steve you mentioned, were on mind before posting. Nice to see that other people have flagged similar concerns of mine.
Sometimes a little bit of feedback is all that is needed, cheers!
You'll see that I edited it somewhat based on the comments, though I am still not entirely sure of the second last line that I reworked.
Changing 'dances' to 'splashes' I think helps and I'm more then happy with changing the 'wooden frame' to 'silver frame'. The word 'silver' helps to build a better sound.
Many thanks to the both of you ;)
I’m not sure if it matters or not that soft is used in both of the last two lines. Would whines quietly sound better? I don’t know, I liked the first version, I like this version even more. I agree silver does sound better and fits the overriding gentleness, coupled with loss, of this so well.
Love this piece Tiger. Thanks for posting.
-Steve
sorry its taken me so long to get around to this work. i read it several days ago in the first version and also in the second...i really like the changes you've made, but i also agree with steve about using "soft" and "softly" so close together. i just think that you can do better. anyways, i wanted to say that i really adored the image of "...angels sing above--tangled up in strings". the first time i read this through i got a totally different meaning than the second and even the third time...i liked how you could be talking about a mobile above the child or talking about actual angels fouling things up, or about the relationship image with angels and strings attached that is evoked later in the piece. or am i just being too english major-y?? LOL LOL anyways i like it. nice work.
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