Day lilies with their leopard
freckled petals close
themselves against the night,
the birds have taken their song
into the trees somewhere,
and the sun is just leaving
a vermilion sky but I
am here in the closing
darkness desperately
alone.
A thought of you
comes to me like a shadow
of our past where without
one hope I long to return,
though I don’t know
the way, and the light has
gone.
7 comments:
You are right, I do like the shorter ones.
I quite like it some nice imagery there, however at times it seems too fragmented and not enough pauses, or at least a chance to catch ones breath. I also think you should have two stanzas. The second one could start with the line A thought of you comes...
I do think that you could lose some of the ands and buts as well.
Overall I liked it, if you can say what you want to say with the least amount of words that is always the best. Cheers.
Thanks for the comments, Tiger. I could only do away with one of those connectors but I agree about the stanzas. So I reworked it. Have a look and tell me what you think now. Thanks again.
Much better! Thanks for this.
I didn't comment on the first draft, I hope it's okay if I throw in my two cents?
It's much more cohesive now, I like the shorter ones better too. I found some of the imagery very interesting, particularly the description of the lilies.
One thing I don't understand, my own lack of experience with poetry I'm sure.
"...one hope..." as in hopeless? Minor, but I kept going back to it.
Great to see you writing again!
No worries, Thea, I'm glad for the comments. What's going on with without one hope instead of hopeless is me playing around with line enjambment. Probably my favorite poetic device. Heh There's mine, where's yours? :D
The changes have made a big difference. I like it now so I can pick on piddly things, right? The word "somewhere" just strikes a wrong note with me. If you press for a reason why, I have to admit I don't know. It just doesn't seem to be happy with it's home.
I like this; short, pointed and vivid. Very powerful.
You did well painting a picture of loneliness in the first stanza.
This is my favorite part: I really like the feeling of anxiety, or of one that is lost that comes across in the last stanza here. This is really good.
“…I long to return,
though I don’t know
the way, and the light has
gone.
- Steve
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