Hi LO, I quite like it, my type of length, and it contains a lot of depth as well. I do think that the last stanza needs a little bit of work. You use the word bones and chilled twice, which doesn't seem to add anything - it only serves to over repeat. The poem also seems to end a bit premature. Perhaps a few more short stanzas like the first three would be a better way to end it. I do like your imagery of the air and that it is humid and thick. Well done and thanks for the read.
Hey LO, sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to these. The last stanza jumped out at me also. The bones chilled followed by chilled bones part seemed a little awkward.
Also in the second stanza I got a little tongue tied on antique and intrigues. Could just be me though.
The first stanza is great, and I like the length. Overall its really pretty good…I just got hung up on those two spots.
Hey LO, I seem to be forever behind these days. I agree with the fellas here except that I rather like, "antique intrigues". Personally, I thought it had an intriguing sound to it, forgive the wordplay. LOL
I did question why you say, "cold yet humid" though. Surely they aren't mutually exclusive? Definitely they are not in the East. Otherwise this is a haunting little piece that I hope you'll develop a bit more. Thanks!
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3 comments:
Hi LO, I quite like it, my type of length, and it contains a lot of depth as well. I do think that the last stanza needs a little bit of work. You use the word bones and chilled twice, which doesn't seem to add anything - it only serves to over repeat. The poem also seems to end a bit premature. Perhaps a few more short stanzas like the first three would be a better way to end it. I do like your imagery of the air and that it is humid and thick. Well done and thanks for the read.
Hey LO, sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to these. The last stanza jumped out at me also. The bones chilled followed by chilled bones part seemed a little awkward.
Also in the second stanza I got a little tongue tied on antique and intrigues. Could just be me though.
The first stanza is great, and I like the length. Overall its really pretty good…I just got hung up on those two spots.
Hey LO, I seem to be forever behind these days. I agree with the fellas here except that I rather like, "antique intrigues". Personally, I thought it had an intriguing sound to it, forgive the wordplay. LOL
I did question why you say, "cold yet humid" though. Surely they aren't mutually exclusive? Definitely they are not in the East. Otherwise this is a haunting little piece that I hope you'll develop a bit more. Thanks!
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