when the breeze
exhales
in my ear beneath
your long shadows spilling
over me, illuminating
what only I
am allowed to see
it’s what you gave me
or left for no one
in particular really
but it was a relief to be
out of the sun for awhile
only a step or two from the rest
with a long reach into the day
and you smile.
6 comments:
This one has been bugging me so I played around with the first stanza a little. I’m not sure if anyone looked at it before, but this is the edited version.
hey steve i have to say that i really enjoyed this poem. i liked the rythm of it and the line breaks-i thought that the first stanza was particularly good. i like how the words all flow together and how good they feel when you say them...just have praise for this one, really. one suggestion: in the second stanza, i would end the third line with "I" and pick up the fourth with "am". i think that this would flow a little better. but then again, just my opinion. nice work!!
Hey LO, thanks. glad you liked this one. You're right; that does sound better.
There's something about this one that's like a cool drink on a hot day, Steve. Something about the texture no doubt and the topic of course but something more. I do like it very much but I wish you'd tuck the hanging "but" on the next line. LOL
Thanks for posting the finished version. Outstanding!
Thanks PB. You're right; it does sound better with "but" moved to the next line.
Glad you liked it.
As I recall, I liked this one the first time. :)
I can't recall the original version of the first stanza but I have this nagging feeling the first version worked better than this one. I wish I could tell you why but I don't think I have a copy of the original anywhere so I can't say.
I would fiddle with the second stanza a bit:
your long shadows
spilling over me,
shading what I only
am allowed to see.
Illuminating just seems to contrary to sense for me. Also shading gives you several possible meanings and of course fits better with shadow. Just my own loony opinion of course.
I would also fiddle with the fourth:
it was a relief to be
out of the sun
for awhile only a step
or two from the rest
with a long reach into the day
Not much really. Well done, Steve! Sorry for my absence lately by the way...
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