When the wind pulls
the breath
from my mouth, creating
the emptiness
of a sigh
for cold light to spill through.
A pin point rising
to fill the space between
the fingers
letting go of desire.
Oh, they could hold on
but probably won’t you know
that void all too well.
A brief respite
illuminating your smile
turning to leave in
that brightness.
3 comments:
This one strikes me as quite different for you, Steve. Is it a bit of an experiment?
Love the first stanza but am left pondering why it begins with "when"? Am I missing something obvious? I shouldn't doubt it. LOL
The next bit made my heart ache with recognition. Good job.
I know it's quite simple really but I very much liked this:
Oh, they could hold on, but
probably won’t you know
Except for that hanging "but" again. LOL It's simple, direct, but also anything but that at the same time. Really well done.
Then you have the hanging "with" in the last stanza that probably is not needed anyway.
All in all, a very good start. Thanks!
Hey PB. Yes I have been experimenting. I’m glad that showed.
I toyed with the first stanza some…ended up with just a minor change that looks like this:
The wind can pull
The breath
from my mouth
creating the emptiness
of a sigh
I didn’t change it in the post as I’m still not completely happy with this one (as a whole). Now I’m the one pondering. Maybe I should just let it sit for awhile. Don’t know yet.
Got rid of those hanging buts and withs too.
Thanks for looking.
-Steve
hey steve, sorry its taken me so long to get to this. i thought it was great. i think most of your poems have a directness that is still stated so well...anyways, i liked the whole idea of this...don't really have much advice to give, but if it was my own i would put the "you know" of the third stanza on its own line. but that also gives it a slightly different feel so free feel to ignore that if you wish. nice job!
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