Thanks for all your comments. This is an edited version with all your thoughts in mind.
Beach Walk
Searching for shells, I found
the bottlenose lying by the tideline,
its echoes carried over cliffs
and through sand banks
as migrating birds flew overhead, reflecting
on the cloudy, coiled-sky water.
6 comments:
The first thing that jumped out at me was this: there are a lot of “c” words in this one.
Looking for shells, I found the dead Bottlenose
dying by the tideline,
Is the bottlenose already dead, or dying?
I don’t think you need to say the sand banks are large. “Cliffs” gives it some scale here anyway. Also not sure if you need to say the coast is long (?) …don’t know, I guess that one could work either way.
I really like the sense of apathy here:
as migrating birds flew overhead reflecting on the
coiled, cloudy-sky water.
I don’t think I would make it any longer, which I know you don’t want to do either. I think that would cause you to sacrifice some of the strength that comes through this one.
Tiger, I don’t know if any of this helps or not. I’ll think about it some more, but I think you are on the right track if I’m reading it right.
-Steve
Thanks ;) Very helpful comments. I noticed that I had the words 'dead' and 'dying' pretty much after the other, so I changed this as soon as spotted it. It was a typo and I think I was also in two minds about having it dead or dying.
Once again your comments were appreciated, now to have another go at the editing. Cheers!
i have a couple of other suggestions for you, tiger. first, i read the first version of this poem as well as the second, and i like the changes you've made. however, in the third line, "the coast carrying its echoes...", i was a little confused in the second version. now you don't have what is echoing. didn't you have the Bottlenose crying in the first version? i think you might want to consider re-adding that somewhere. also, i was wondering about the last line break. it seems a little artificial--maybe instead of "as migrating birds flew overhead, reflecting on the/cloudy, coiled-sky water.", you could put the line break somewhere that feels a little more natural. maybe "as migrating birds flew overhead, reflecting/on the cloudt, coiled-sky water" might be better. hope that helps a little. you should definately stick with this work. i really like it and think it can be a great work.
thanks Steve and LO. I think I cleared up some of the problems i had. This edited version should read a little clearer. Thanks for your comments ;)
I would have sworn I left a comment on this one but it looks as though you didn't need my help anyway. LOL
I can only add two tiny things:
I would suggest making bottlenose lower case. To me anyway, the capital B makes it stand out in a way that messes with the image melding that you're doing.
And I would lose the "and" in line four as it is not truly necessary. Also it causes a separation there that I don't think you want.
I especially love, "reflecting/on the cloudy, coiled-sky water." Outstanding!
Hopefully it is miles better compared to the first edit. Pb you brought up something that i was having doubts about and that was the Bottlenose being capital. It started off with no capitals. I think I might change it.
And there are a lot of dolphins and whales that turn up stranded on my coast - i think that was the inspiration, the rest just followed. The stranded dolphins got me thinking about my friends and family that passed on. Which was strange, though, that is what it ended up being about.
Thanks everyone for your comments they made the poem much, much better. Cheers ;)
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