If I lean forward enough
I can peer into the valley that
your body has pressed into the sheets
catching your hair in a
cascade, it spills off your back
and swirls around.
First a rise,
then ebb
with each breath.
One arm, the shores of a reservoir,
with head submerged in the
deepest part
the other, a ridge line
extending down
the climb up could be treacherous
the trek down, could be also
either way I may stumble
- and regret having trespassed
here.
3 comments:
Hi Steve, sorry it's taken me so long to get round to this. These little ideas of mine reflect my idea of style and I'm sure you know that I won't be offended if they're not your idea of style. :)
I think you need to lose the "has" in the third line. It isn't necessary there and fouls up the sound of that line, at least to me. My larger problem with the first stanza is understanding what you're describing exactly. Are you leaning over her? I can't visualize what arrangement would cause you to need to lean forward enough to see this valley. Am I being dense? Definitely could be.
I like the fluid description of her hair but I'd like some small hint in that first stanza about why you're seeing her hair this way.
Love the ending though I think I'd add the dash after stumble then begin the next with "discover regret" instead of "and" so it would read:
"either way I may stumble-
discovering regrets for having
trespassed here."
LOL You know me and my love of line enjambments. Fine work, Steve. Thanks for posting. Hopefully I said something useful.
its final time, and my grand graduation is in 23 days, so i am sorry for my neglect. i loved this poem--i thought that the first stanza was wonderful, describing her in such a unique way. i would, though, change one thing--in the fifth line, instead of writing, "it spills off your back", i would put "it spills down" or "it spills over". one of these two words, for me, evokes more of a waterfall feeling, and isn't that the main idea? the words like reservoir and submerged give me that feeling, anyway.
i also thought that it was wonderful how you captured such a great rythm at the end of that first stanza, with "first a rise / then ebb / with each breath". i thought that was a perfect way to capture the breathing.
overall, though, great job! i loved the last lines as well.
Hey PB:
I meant to get back to you sooner on this. Thanks for the help and yes, your comments are always useful.
In the first stanza; am I leaning over her? I’m afraid I would have to say both yes and no, if that makes sense.
I was working on another short story but I hit a wall. In the mean time I think I will go back and rework some of my poetry, beginning with this one. I’ll rewrite it and put it back up here for another look.
Thanks again.
- Steve
Post a Comment