I know what lies at the bottom,though i fear the darkness,
Love is a shadow.
I feel burns of redness,
it throbs the heart,
and reaches into the pinnacles of flesh.
I must wail, pull out the temples,
succumb to death,
and look with eyes that have seen such splendors,
watching the blue waves of sea,
the green dancing trees of cedar,
that call me, haunt me from my sleep and say,
"It's here we want to touch you, all leafy and green."
2 comments:
Tiger, there are some good lines here, but I think it needs some work.
Stanza 1: you've got two images here 1) the bottom and 2) darkness/shadow. I realize that it might be dark at the bottom, but we don't know the bottom of what. Often the bottom is the low point, not something good, so how does love get connected to the bottom? If you are talking about the bad parts of love, then it's reasonable to fear the darkness, and if love is a shadow, then it is something to be avoided. Or are you talking about the shadow of love? Which would be the bad part. I think you have some good possibilities here, just need to tinker.
Stanza 2:
'reaches into the pinnacles' pinnacle is the peak, so reaching into it doesn't sound right to me.
'Depths of my flesh' works better.
Stanza 3:
'pull out the temples' ??? Parts of your head? Do you mean pulling 'down' the temples? Not sure what this means.
I like the next lines, though I'd make a minor change to have more consistence in the flow:
watching the blue waves of sea
the green dancing of cedars
I guess 'haunt me from my sleep' might mean something like chase me from (out of) my sleep. But it is ambiguous in that the haunting could come from my sleep. As I write this I see it could have both those meanings. Haunting you in your dreams as you sleep and causing you to wake. I like that.
Hope that helps a bit.
thanks for the comment, i have to do some editing on this one.
I was trying to describe the darkness and shadows that might be found under the roots of a tree, in the first stanza though that wasn't clear.
I think this part has to go - 'pull out the temples'
and 'watching the blue waves of sea,' is supposed to be looking up at the sky.
Thanks for your comments all very helpful, I'll have another go at this. Cheers!
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