Man, I wouldn’t change anything here. I think you absolutely nailed it. It sounds great and the mood is perfect. The feeling of weariness and a longing comes through nicely, but doesn’t overpower the image. Very nice work.
I liked this one too, Tiger. Just a couple of small things.
I think the cadence might be helped if you dropped "The" start. Why is it we poets always want to get rid of THE? LOL Try this maybe:
Rain sounds deep in my heart, Wild weather wears holes in my bones. I anguish under grey clouds, listening to a constant chorus of drizzle, wondering when sweet rest will come, deep in the soft damp earth.
I dunno, but to my ear dropping a few words gives it a steadier rhythm like the rain. Thanks for this. :)
PS You have been bloody busy! Send the muse back across the ocean will you? LOL
i agree with steve when he says you nailed this poem. i thought it was beautiful. i also agree with PB though...only i would just eliminate "The" at the beginning of the first two lines. i personally like the inclusion if "Most days", because i think it gives a slightly different meaning to the sentence. but hey, if that's not true, than feel free to disregard. anyways, i really admire this poem. nice work!
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3 comments:
Man, I wouldn’t change anything here. I think you absolutely nailed it. It sounds great and the mood is perfect. The feeling of weariness and a longing comes through nicely, but doesn’t overpower the image. Very nice work.
You’ve been busy lately. Thanks for posting.
-Steve
I liked this one too, Tiger. Just a couple of small things.
I think the cadence might be helped if you dropped "The" start. Why is it we poets always want to get rid of THE? LOL Try this maybe:
Rain sounds deep in my heart,
Wild weather wears holes in my bones.
I anguish under grey clouds,
listening to a constant chorus of drizzle,
wondering when sweet rest
will come, deep in the soft damp earth.
I dunno, but to my ear dropping a few words gives it a steadier rhythm like the rain. Thanks for this. :)
PS You have been bloody busy! Send the muse back across the ocean will you? LOL
i agree with steve when he says you nailed this poem. i thought it was beautiful. i also agree with PB though...only i would just eliminate "The" at the beginning of the first two lines. i personally like the inclusion if "Most days", because i think it gives a slightly different meaning to the sentence. but hey, if that's not true, than feel free to disregard. anyways, i really admire this poem. nice work!
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