The roots whisper under soil
blanketed under
wintering trunks they survive.
Above frost ices over morning
cold air thickly chills,
leaving a frozen white field
subdued in silence. On top
of houses, over chimney pots
settling flakes layer streets with snow.
Every day now
I dream of nature green home
when rainbows shadow
every sad thought
when moths stretch wings
to fly into the moon.
4 comments:
That's a killer first stanza, Tiger. My only question is whether you intended, "...whisper under soil/blanketed under". Could you perhaps use "below" for one of those, probably the second of the two.
I also liked, "Every day now/I dream of nature green..." but do you need home at the end of that line? Seems a touch awkward to my American ear but then that could be the trouble of course.
I love what these lines do as a group and individually:
every sad thought
when moths stretch wings
to fly into the moon.
Just a touch of fantasy and so much more. It's really very fine. My only other problem with this was, "...when rainbows shadow..." coming right before. I can picture a rainbow shadow. I've seen loads of them but never a shadow cast by one and then there is the fact that rainbows have been a touch overused in poetry, at least in my opinion, and Wordsworth sort of wrecked me wanting to hear anymore about rainbows in poems with "my heart leaps up/when I behold a rainbow in the sky..." If I see a rainbow in a poem I want it to fit very well indeed and hopefully not jumping out at me. Could be just personal prejudice. After reading what I said about Wordsworth, etc, I feel sure you know what I mean about my bias. LOL
Really very nice, Tiger. Put a smile on my lips even and that was a tall order today. Thanks!
thanks for the helpful comment. I was looking at the use of under for such a long time before uploading the poem and I knew something was wrong, I see it now. The overuse of the word is tragic, I will change it, thanks.
Also the line with nature green home was supposed to be refering to home as the world, though I wasn't to sure with that line and I see now that there is problem with the line. Another eye always helps with poetry ;)
Also rainbow shadows will be another edited line. It is interesting to see you are picking up on the lines that I questioned so it's good to get your thoughts on it.
And putting a smile on someone lips is always a good thing. Thanks for reading and commenting. Happy to make you smile :)
I'd love to see the finished version of this, Tiger. I think it could be one of your best pieces yet. Of course, you could edit this one as you know or you could make it a new post. Thanks for this. Reading it really did lift my day ysterday.
I was going to say the same thing as PB about the "unders" but it looks like he've taken care of that. Really, it looks like he took care of everything, but I'll take another look at this after my next class and see if there's anything to quibble with. Really great work.
Post a Comment