Final version of this, I hope. I think it's now much clearer and hopefully the title is not too much of a problem. :D Thanks!
She said, the black cat,
the one you purchased
as memento mori
for new love, must retire
outside her house
permanently.
She said, he could not be trusted
to curb masculine urges,
pulling back sharp
claws while near her
velveteen newborn,
so out he went.
Slinking
out of your house
with disgrace
hanging on his fur
like alley cat stench,
your black cat
took refuge
on the stoop,
waiting for you
to soften her mind
as every day
you stamped concrete
slurry that begins pliable
enough but is stone
nonetheless.
Nothing changed.
The cat was still
waiting as the child
turned two, robustly toddling
on pale uncertain limbs
even near perilous pets
of the cul-de-sac,
those pekes and mini pins,
resolutely daring to teeter
even near those razor
ribbon tongues and cluck
of prying neighbors.
What the cat said
was nothing as you spirited
away your tools and bags
of personal things
late in the night while the child
lay sleeping and his mother
watched your movements
from her second floor perch
never noticing that subtle
shadow silently stealing away
breathlessly under a blazing moon
perched in the branches
of her whispering acacias.
10 comments:
Okay, I should probably have put this in the comments for What the Cat Said because this is in fact a rewrite. :D
I took into account everything you guys suggested and I changed the title. Let me know if I went straight off the beam, please? Thanks!
I pretty much missed the earlier versions of this.
I read through it a couple of times and I like it. Nothing really jumps out at me as being in need so I would go with this.
Nice work PB
Thanks for taking a look, Steve. Good to see you too. :D I took another crack at this one though no major changes...I think. :D
The Memento
She said, the black cat,
the one you purchased
as a small dark night
memento for new love, must retire
outside her house
permanently.
She said, he could not be trusted
to curb masculine urges,
pulling back sharp
claws while near her
velveteen newborn,
so out he went.
Slinking
out of your house
with disgrace
hanging on his fur
like alley cat stench,
your black cat
took refuge
on the stoop,
waiting for you
to soften her mind
as every day
you stamped concrete
slurry that begins pliable
enough but is stone
nonetheless.
Nothing changed.
The cat was still
waiting as the child
turned two, robustly toddling
on pale uncertain limbs
even near perilous pets
of the cul-de-sac,
those pekes and mini pins,
resolutely daring to teeter
even near those razor
ribbon tongues and cluck
of prying neighbors.
What the cat said
was nothing as you spirited
away your tools and bags
of personal things
late in the night while the child
lay sleeping and his mother
watched your movements
from her second floor perch
never noticing that subtle
shadow silently stealing away
breathlessly under a blazing moon
perched in the branches
of her whispering acacias.
The edit on the comment above is much, much better. Well done and a Merry Christmas from a snow bound tiger ;)
Thanks very much for the feedback, Tiger. It is better, I'm pretty sure, except that the title is still awful and I'm sure it could use some more fine tuning.
I hope you have a nice warm cave over there in the old country. Happy holidays to yours! :D
By the way, does anyone want to take a crack at the new one called, "Boundless"? Even if it's just to tell me it's too bloody weird. Thanks!
All right, back to the original title since I can't improve on it and I did add a fix that should make it less confusing...I hope the snow abated some, Tiger. :D
What the Cat Said
What the cat said
was nothing that night
you brought him home,
barely covering your palm,
how astonished he was to travel
his life at such speed.
A few years passed before the hearth
just as quickly no doubt when
your girl said, the black cat,
the small dark memento
of new love, must retire
outside her house
permanently.
She said, he could not be trusted
to curb masculine urges,
pulling back sharp
claws while near her
velveteen newborn,
so out he went.
Slinking
out of your house
with disgrace
hanging on his fur
like alley cat stench,
your black cat
took refuge
on the stoop,
waiting for you
to soften her mind
as every day
you stamped concrete
slurry that begins pliable
enough but is stone
nonetheless.
Nothing changed.
The cat was still
waiting as the child
turned two, robustly toddling
on pale uncertain limbs
even near perilous pets
of the cul-de-sac,
those pekes and mini pins,
resolutely daring to teeter
even near those razor
ribbon tongues and cluck
of prying neighbors.
What the cat said
was nothing as you spirited
away your tools and bags
of personal things
late in the night while the child
lay sleeping and his mother
watched your movements
from her second floor perch
never noticing that subtle
shadow silently stealing away
breathlessly under a blazing moon
perched in the branches
of her whispering acacias.
The snow has finally melted and we are left with burst pipes and water shortages. Could be worse though.
The title: What the Cat Said is your best title so far. Stick with it.
A few new things:
your girl said -seems a little personal and doesn't seem to work for me
you stamped concrete
slurry - got me thinking of fertilizer
Other than that well done. There are a few nice new sound and images such as:
razor
ribbon tongues and cluck
of prying neighbors.
Hey, Tiger! So glad to hear the cold snap has broken but sorry about those pipes...been there and done that in Massachusetts. Hopefully all is well there now. :D
Thanks for all the great help with this one. I do not think it's actually finished but it is much more like the sort of poems I usually turn out thanks to you.
I agree about your girl but maybe for a little bit of a different reason. Part of my point is that she's no one's girl so that expression doesn't fit. Agreed.
Slurry is the term the concrete fellas use to describe the stuff in its liquid form. There's no other term I know of unless one of the Steves can help me out. I agree it's not the most attractive term... :D
Much obliged to you all. Happy new year a bit belated!
I like this one...maybe because I relate to the cat, I don't know..but I like it. :)
Thanks for the feedback, Lara. I suspect many cat lovers out there would also like this one but it still has the worst title I've ever slapped on a poem...shameful really. I should fix it...eventually. Hehee Thanks for stopping in!
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