Poetry is the original soul food.
It need not rhyme nor even march in time.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Desert
The banks roll and hill
stretch and sift
granules of sand flake and spill
caught in a long endless rift of air
arching, shifting
and moving slowly across
sea-like patterns, spilling
out into the cold bare sky.
I'm missing something here. This is called "Desert" but it has underwater pictures, but that's another issue.
The banks roll - was this intended to be a play on bankroll? There's nothing else here to indicate this is about money.
...and hill stretch and sift
did you mean 'hills'? I don't know 'hill' as a verb.
What do you mean by "granules of sand flake"?
Granules are already pretty small and if parts of them flake off, I'm not sure who could tell unless you had it under a microscope, but that isn't the condition in the poem.
I don't mean to be a wet blanket here but this desert doesn't work for me.
I don't see a desert here (and I did grow up in Southern California and spent time in the desert)
AKSteve
PS PB - There's a date here on the comment page, but I don't see one on the blog near the poem itself.
Hi Steve, thanks for looking at the poem and for your comments. Perhaps the title is misleading or tries to make it too obvious :) I will have to look at this poem again and edit it. I do understand where the confusion lies and i will have to sort this out. Thanks again ;)
I'm assuming the subject is the sky and the clouds here but that's only because I know there are no deserts in Ireland but loads of sky and clouds on the other hand. Hehee
I like the idea of this, man, but I think I agree with Steve in the main. It maybe that you'll have to make this one a good deal less spare in order to make it really work. Awesome notion though. :D
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5 comments:
Tiger,
I'm missing something here. This is called "Desert" but it has underwater pictures, but that's another issue.
The banks roll - was this intended to be a play on bankroll? There's nothing else here to indicate this is about money.
...and hill
stretch and sift
did you mean 'hills'? I don't know 'hill' as a verb.
What do you mean by "granules of sand flake"?
Granules are already pretty small and if parts of them flake off, I'm not sure who could tell unless you had it under a microscope, but that isn't the condition in the poem.
I don't mean to be a wet blanket here but this desert doesn't work for me.
I don't see a desert here (and I did grow up in Southern California and spent time in the desert)
AKSteve
PS PB - There's a date here on the comment page, but I don't see one on the blog near the poem itself.
Hi Steve, thanks for looking at the poem and for your comments. Perhaps the title is misleading or tries to make it too obvious :) I will have to look at this poem again and edit it. I do understand where the confusion lies and i will have to sort this out. Thanks again ;)
I'm assuming the subject is the sky and the clouds here but that's only because I know there are no deserts in Ireland but loads of sky and clouds on the other hand. Hehee
I like the idea of this, man, but I think I agree with Steve in the main. It maybe that you'll have to make this one a good deal less spare in order to make it really work. Awesome notion though. :D
I dunno where the post date is, Steve, but I will try to correct this. My thanks for pointing it out. :D
You have some good stuff here: "caught in a long endless rift of air
arching, shifting
and moving slowly across
sea-like patterns ... "
The first line though (cloud banks?) and the title hung me up a little, but thats about it.
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