Diamond air, burns in my lungs
before each breath is extinguished
to vapor.
Hands warm in pockets, nearly deep
as snow that clutches my boots.
Another breath - crunch forward.
I lean into cold more than
branches on these toothpick trees
poking through, their
crystalline shelter.
I’m alone.
Stopping - I strain to listen
to the sound of nothing.
before each breath is extinguished
to vapor.
Hands warm in pockets, nearly deep
as snow that clutches my boots.
Another breath - crunch forward.
I lean into cold more than
branches on these toothpick trees
poking through, their
crystalline shelter.
I’m alone.
Stopping - I strain to listen
to the sound of nothing.
6 comments:
I am not too sure of the last stanza. It seems to be an anti-climax of sorts. I really do like the imagery in the first stanza though.
I love this part:
toothpick trees
poking through their
crystalline shelter.
The imagery draws me towards an image of a moth/butterfly trying to break out of its cocoon. Brilliant!
I am a little confused about this:
I lean over more, than
branches
So do you lean on the branches? Because you have positioned the comma after the more I assume this is the case though I am still wondering what the than branches refers to. Forgive my confusion or ignorance. Overall I loved the action and the imagery. Thanks for the read.
Tiger, glad you liked it. The leaning is meant to be as one would tramp through the snow, leaning forward, mirroring the trees bending from the weight of snow and ice. I’m glad you caught that, I’ll have to rethink that part some what. Thanks for the help.
hey steve, i liked this one. i had a problem with the same line "I lean over more..." that tiger pointed out already. also, i would eliminate either "deep" from the first line or "down" from the second line, as they seem to me a little redundant and saying the same thing...i would probably keep the "deep", but that's just me. i also liked the same bit as tiger, the "toothpick trees/poking through their crystalline shelter..." bit, so nice work. i don't think i can add anything else. thanks for this!
Ok, first revision on this one. I know it still needs some work but I need to let it sit for awhile. Oh yeah, I also changed the title.
I don't know, I seemed to have liked it more when it was less 'wordy'. Now it appears to come across as using words to lengthen it.
I also think you could end it with alone - there's no need for the second stanza in my opinion.
Steve, this is good stuff. Made me feel like doing one of my obnoxious rewrites in fact. I hope you don't mind.
Diamond air,
burns in lungs
before each breath
extinguished,
hushed mist.
Hands warm in pockets
nearly deep as snow
that clutches boots.
Another breath—
crunch forward.
I lean into cold
more than branches
on these toothpick trees
poking through, their
crystalline shelter.
I’m alone.
Take from it whatever you will, my friend. Really excellent. Cheers!
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