This is the very first draft...I'm still not happy with it, but decided to let it go. Feel free to have a whack! Thanks all.
This ring
isn't what it used to be.
Too cold
uncaring
sharp
I liked it in the case.
Sometimes I turn it,
clammily hiding
facedown, cutting
into my palm
Dangerous unexpected daydreams:
A tragic boating accident
severs my finger.
Man overboard!
The ring still attached
curious fishes nibbling
scuttling crabs pinching
irretrievable
A mugger abandons
in the icy twilight
me to my life
pawning this ring
for twenty-five bucks
I can't decide what
is worse:
halfhearted concern
at my finger suddenly ringless
halfhearted relief
at finding it in the soap dish.
I just know
this ring slips
off far to easily.
3 comments:
I like it :) I gave a quick glance over it with my first impression being that it was too long. Typical. However, I really did enjoy it, apart from thinking the title had something to do with "Lord of the Rings".
I really like this part:
'curious fishes nibbling
scuttling crabs pinching
irretrievable'
quite the picture.
It seems to be a mix of Sylvia Plath and Elisabeth Bishop.
I am a little confused though as there appears to be two voices, perhaps not that distinct. You address us very clearly and then you go into very descriptive writing and then jump back. For some reason I would like to see you sticking to some sort of unity as it reads a small bit disjointed. I could be wrong though.
Overall, I did enjoy it. Thanks for the read.
LO, I missed this one earlier…
I got a hung up here. Mostly on the word “clammily.” I’m not sure if it’s really needed.
Sometimes I turn it,
clammily hiding
facedown, cutting
into my palm
What about:
Sometimes I turn it,
Facedown hiding
Cutting into my palm.
Here I get a hung up on “me to my life.” I want to put the “me” after abandons.
A mugger abandons
in the icy twilight
me to my life
pawning this ring
for twenty-five bucks
I just know
this ring slips
off far to easily
Here you need “too” instead of “to.”
This is really good stuff. Longer than what you normally write and you did a good job with it. I think the other voice that Tiger caught in this is that you have given the ring a life of its own. I also like it.
Thanks for posting it.
Well, LO, you're certainly becoming quite the expert with clever bits. :)
I feel sure this is meant to be dark humor so that's the impression under here. The first thing I'd suggest is possibly a generational thing, probably is, but I'd change the title. There's this song called, "This Diamond Ring" that kept going through my mind as I tried to read so ended up reading it over and over. Seriously though, I'd like to see a title that works harder, possibly, "The Promise" though maybe that's too direct.
Back to the song I mentioned for a sec:
This diamond ring doesn't shine for me anymore
And this diamond ring doesn't mean what it did before...
Maybe you can see why this song started playing in my brain. Instead of saying "isn't what it used to be" perhaps you could show us a little something? Not tarnish, too cliché but maybe some other sign that it is no longer precious in the same way?
"I liked it in the case" is a clever bit but seems a bit out of the blue and harsh really. How about "looks better on velvet" or some such, describing the case rather than saying the word?
Sometimes I turn it,
clammily hiding
facedown, cutting
into my palm
How about this:
Sometimes I turn
the stone, hiding
face down, cutting
uncalloused palm.
Now that's adding some extra complexity to the story and a nice ambiguity that I personally prefer, but that's just me.
I could be wrong about this but I had the feeling that what follows, "Dangerous unexpected daydreams" was probably the real poem. The other part serving as more of an intro? I think that would be the main reason Tiger felt there were two voices here. Personally the shift doesn't trouble me at all because one is direct and the rest is all hints and insinuation. In other words, I loved it. Just my kind of thing really. Well done! PB
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