The people stare at us,
two dressed up;
paramours.
I, in a suit
a tie
and you
in a dress, aware
and high with your black
hair now pulled back tight
and you write it down:
"No one knows the way it goes,
except the ones who planned it wrong"
on a hotel napkin that's pushed
towards me from across the table.
4 comments:
I am not sure if this a rough draft, or what sort of style you write with. However, I thought I'd comment, keeping in mind that it is perhaps a draft.
I read the poem, I liked where it was going, though at times it was very wordy. You can really get rid of a lot of words to make it flow better.
You don't need to say, "the people stare at us", why not just say "people stare at us"?
Also be aware that conjunctions are to be used sparingly. While words like, and, for, but ... should not be ignored sometimes they can spell trouble and cause a lot of grief. Try to reduce the usage of these words. Also pronouns can be problematic at times. Remember you are writing poetry and not a conversation, a lot of times you don't have to be overly concerned with sounding 100 percent grammatically correct. It is about trying to make the poem flow and connect so you have the license to bend the rules.
The other thing is the last line, you don't have to tell us that the napkin is pushed towards you. All you have to say is "on a hotel napkin that's pushed
across the table".
That makes it a lot more neater and more to the point, keeping in mind your economy of words.
By the way you are more than welcome to comment on another author's work. It is only polite to check out other people's stuff, even if you may not know what to say it is good to hear someone's opinion as I am sure you are aware. It means that members on this site will be more likely to comment on your work. Also checking out other poets/fiction writers etc helps you see what other people are writing and assists with ideas.
Thanks for the read.
Less is not only more…for me it is also harder. Getting rid of unneeded words is something that I am still learning to do.
I’ve read this one a couple of times; I like it. I think you have something here, just tighten it up a little as Tiger recommends.
I’m not sure if you need the quotation marks in the last few lines. I see why you used them, but not sure if they are needed.
Thanks for posting; I enjoyed it.
i agree with the previous comments but also have a couple of other suggestions...maybe i'm just befuddled, which is entirely possible, but some of these seem almost unnecessarily confusing. first of all, the lines "two dressed up; paramours." i have issues with these two lines for several reasons. first of all, the two/too confusion. in all good poetry people play with words and meanings, so i'm assuming first off that this is deliberate. that said, why is it necessary for the work to point out so deliberately that there are two of you? paramours usually suggests a pair, a couple, and then later on in the piece you talk about each of the two...just seems unnecessary. also, the semicolon throws me off here as unnecessary punctuation...not sure why you would need it, as there is not a complete sentence after it, and it seems to weigh one side of the poem.
ok so here's the next one: the lines "in a dress, aware/and high wiht your black hair now pulled back tight". first of all, why do you write aware and high? when put together like that it sounds a little odd, but if you're going for high as in on drugs it creates a paradox because usually then the character wouldn't be aware...but i get the feeling that you mean high as in height, like height gained from heels and an updo, which makes more sense, but then again why "aware"? is the woman aware of this height or has she gained awareness as a result of this height? ok one more in the same line..."now pulled back tight"--the now in that phrase implies to me that recently this hair wasn't pulled back tight, instead was loose and flowing, like in a lover's situation or something, but i think that this is a missed opportunity to talk about the earlier moment when the hair wasn't pulled back tight...give a little more depth and even sensuality to the rest of the poem when talking about this earlier moment through the wisp of a memory...as it is the poem makes the reader do a little too much work...i like the concept, and would like to see more!
Kid, I was going to write a comment but I decided to read the others first. I have to say, the reading you got here was especially first rate. Tiger's suggestions were just what the poem needs though I understand the urge to play about with sentence structure and I consider that a good instinct. The problem comes when you play around with the structure just to pull of something clever.
LO noticed this in her remarks, especially the business with high/aware. I have to say I liked the way it sounded when I read it but I was looking for the punchline. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you do something clever in a poem then you generally need to earn it by having a reason for doing it.
This is a good effort and I hope you'll post a revision. I'd like to see it.
PS Sorry this is so late in coming.
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