Odd things we teach
to little ones still,
before they learn
true words or leave
a footprint in sand.
Picture a beach, a bright day,
a mother carefully
drawing straight lines for a game,
tic-tac-toe maybe or maybe
just boundaries
for a castle yet to be.
She shows the child how
lines never really meet,
always a ridge of sand
between each and each
line going on invisibly
over the restless white crowns,
piercing blue sky, retreating
ranks of sullen fog alike
then pointing to the forever
we cannot reach, or dare not—
each a solo course
we cannot touch, or fear
what inviolate laws of nature
topple should those minute
sand walls fail—
Still at the end of day
the tide returns, clears
the board, deposits shellfish
remains for chalk of another day
while this lesson melts
into the sea foam
under the taunting gull cries.
4 comments:
PB, you really did do a lot of work on this one.
I stumbled a little on the fourth stanza. How would it read if the last line from the stanza above it were moved down to this stanza? So it would read…
between each and each
line going on invisibly
over the restless white crowns,
piercing blue sky, retreating
ranks of sullen fog alike
I think you could do that without loosing anything from the one above it and I think it clarifies the fourth stanza.
This is my favorite part here; really fine writing.
then pointing to the forever
we cannot reach, or dare not—
each a solo course
we cannot touch, or fear
what inviolate laws of nature
topple should those minute
sand walls fail—
I’m glad you pursued this one, I wasn’t sure if you would or not. You did a great job with it. Thanks.
hello there PB. i am on a time limit but couldn't resist commenting on this one. i like the revision, and i was debating, as i read, if i liked the additional length. i decided that i do, but especially some of the first stanzas need a little work, in my opinion. the second stanza is where i had some problems. the first line--i think you should end after "beach:" (i added the punctuation obviously) i think this should be the case because it sets the scene more instead of dropping it on us all at once. also, the fourth line, with its two "maybe"s seems a little forced to me. knowing you, the word repitition it deliberate, but i would still break it up, by putting the "maybe" part either on its own line or on separate lines. i thought that the last stanza was great. i like the image of the words games melting into foam...good job on this!!
Thanks very much, both of you. I believe I need to think about this one a good long while yet.
When I posted it to begin with it was nothing more than an idea for a poem. I think it's more or less in the middle stages now. I will certainly hold onto your comments for when I come back to wrestle with this one. Much obliged!
Good going! I seem to picture a classroom and in the foreground a scene of a beach. Hats off to you!
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