Poetry is the original soul food.
It need not rhyme nor even march in time.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Natural Born Hunter
Short hair domestic all black, ‘cept for her paws. And - always on the prowl she’s a natural born hunter I’m told. For ten pounds of cat chow per week I’ve just got to know
Hey Steve, I don't think you need the "I read" at the end of the first line. I know you want to get in that this is someone else's opinion not yours but I think it makes the poem go flat right off.
Ever thinking of feeding her less? :D
Just kidding of course. You should see my dog! Diet time big time! LOL
Hey PB. That did make it read flat. Actually the whole piece is kind of flat. I changed it around a little, but I still don’t think it’s quite right…I’ll see.
Oh yeah, feed her less? That would be great. Guess I’m a sucker for a big round face that purrs at me : )
Hi Steve it reads much better than the first post. The only thing I have a problem with is the word 'And', on the third line. It seems a bit out of place, perhaps if you lost it? Cheers for this
Now that I looked at it again, what about this:
'She's always on the prowl, a natural born hunter I’m told.'
It seems to read much better with a simple edit. What do you think?
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3 comments:
Hey Steve, I don't think you need the "I read" at the end of the first line. I know you want to get in that this is someone else's opinion not yours but I think it makes the poem go flat right off.
Ever thinking of feeding her less? :D
Just kidding of course. You should see my dog! Diet time big time! LOL
Hey PB. That did make it read flat. Actually the whole piece is kind of flat. I changed it around a little, but I still don’t think it’s quite right…I’ll see.
Oh yeah, feed her less? That would be great. Guess I’m a sucker for a big round face that purrs at me : )
Hi Steve it reads much better than the first post. The only thing I have a problem with is the word 'And', on the third line. It seems a bit out of place, perhaps if you lost it? Cheers for this
Now that I looked at it again, what about this:
'She's always on the prowl,
a natural born hunter I’m told.'
It seems to read much better with a simple edit. What do you think?
Thanks for the read ;)
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