Perhaps I have gone in a completely different route or the wrong route altogether. Just something I wrote a while back, and have been a little afraid to post seeing it is quite different for me. Anyways at least it may be worth a look for someone. Thanks for looking.
His eyes
Hide the hollow.
His mouth says:
I have nothing.
He crawls into his
Heart of a coffin -
Life wilts away,
One beat at a time.
The sun has nothing to mourn,
The red walled house
Will one day decay.
5 comments:
I like this one. Very dark.
I do find the ending a bit abrupt though(if that is the right word, I'm not sure how to put it exactly).
It's very direct.
Good poem though!
I especially like the 2d stanza. Very poetic.
Maybe even better without the 'has'? To make it active?
I know what you mean about the abrupt ending - I'm kind of known for my abruptness, I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It's like getting hit on the head with a hammer. Not that I regularly experience such an action.
I have something for short poems, and if it drags on I just stop it from evolving. I think the shortness helps me or even forces me to use words sparingly. Sometimes though, I should probably let it develop a little more rather than killing it off.
I lost the word 'has' as you mentioned, I think it reads a little clearer now, and I tidied up the commas as well.
Thanks for looking and for the helpful comment. Happy you enjoyed it.
Tiger:
This is a little longer than what you have written lately. I like “Heart of a coffin.” Rather than coffin of a heart, which I was expecting. Not sure if that was so the first letters of the lines match or the switching was only for effect, …or both. The effect is good and I learned something. Thanks.
I didn’t find the ending abrupt. It seemed both a good place and a natural way to end it.
Nice work Tiger.
-Steve
I've read this a dozen times or more now and I still have the feeling that seven lines are sort of pre-writing. The poem seems to me to be in those last three lines. Maybe I'm missing something but I sure can't figure out what...
So of course I'm going to suggest that you take those last three lines (nice crisp Tiger lines I might add) and let that be the start of a new poem. Just a suggestion. :)
In any case, I'd like to see what you do with it. Thanks!
Hey Tiger, here's two cents worth from a prose writer.
I love the first line. Loved it. It rolled off my tongue everytime I read the poem; a lingering taste. Wonderful image.
That said, I totally know (well, I think I know) what pb is saying about the last stanza. Taken separately, it rings like a doorbell - "hey everybody, there's more to come!".
I personally like the shorter poems myself, I can savor each stanza before being "forced" to go on.
Thanks, I enjoyed it.
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