Old oak alone
in the edge
of grandpa's pasture,
grandma of a tree,
couple of hundred
years old at least yet no sign
of offspring near
just the thriving deep
green grass, clumps of nameless
wild flowers. My heart was bound
up in that tree
somehow as a waif
chooses a mother
or the childless
tree chose me.
7 comments:
I really like the tone of the first stanza. It fits the image well.
I like this; what a nice description of what must be very difficult.
Very good work.
- Steve
Thanks, man. I appreciate it. I know I've been off my game lately. I'm grateful when anything poetic turns up. Much obliged.
off your game?? give me a break, PB! i thought this work was great. in my own grandparent's front yard, there were always two huge twin pines that always sheltered me while i sat there so i might have been a born sucker for this poem, but i thought it was beautiful. i really liked the idea of the tree as a surrogate parent--so many grandparents play this role...i'm not sure if you were going for this theme but its one i'm picking up. i especially liked the transitions between the stanzas, both of them blew me away.
only one suggestion i think i could make...i would start the second line with "on" instead of "in". but that's just me...maybe its just wyoming talk, who knows. but anyways, nice work!!
You're sweet, LO, but I am definitely losing it a little bit. I remembered you as being in Colorado not Wyoming! LOL Okay, so I fixed my mistake in the lounge. :)
Thanks for your comments. You're on the right trail making the connection between the tree as grandmother and the tree as surrogate. There's more going on too naturally but what you saw is on the money. I used "in" instead of "on" for a reason but I don't think I'll explain. I'll just be my usual mischievous self. }:>
I like this one a lot. pb, I've been thinking about it for several days and besides evoking rural life and America of the fifties, I got a few things besides. Tell me if I'm way off. ;)
What I found interesting:
"...of granpa's pasture, grandma of a tree..."
Is granpa the foundation, and the tree the heart of that foundation? Like the "kitchen is the heart of the house"?
Which brings me back to "...in the edge...". Who or what is "in the edge"? The speaker or the tree? Or both?
Maybe I'm just extending too far but I can't help feeling like someone or something is teetering on the edge of the abyss, rather than just standing looking down. Is the tree dying along with childhood dreams?
Loved also, "...thriving deep green grass, clumps of wild flowers." Life goes on, even thrives doesn't it, despite our own personal tragedies.
And the last two lines:
"...the childless tree chose me."
Childless tree is a nice contrast with the image of grandma. Why is that? Had there been shoots or sprouts at some point, that were perhaps removed? Is this about estrangement of some sort?
Thanks, enjoyed it. ;)
Thanks, Thea. This one has a few of the old bear tricks in it but it's still very rough. I won't work on it again until it doesn't offend me though. I can be brutal if I edit them too soon…
It means what it means to you. No other point of view matters. Certainly not mine. I think I know where you get the edge of the abyss though–"just the thriving deep…" followed by the abrupt line break and of course the word edge right up in the beginning. Careful reading that. :D
is there something about the shape of it? To me it is visual on at least two levels, visual with the imagery and visual with the shape. The shape of the poem relates to the tree. The shape of tree is noticed in the first stanza, the ground the second and the roots or perhaps a pot in the third. The theme of at least the first and the second stanzas communicate this to me. Of course without breaking up the stanzas it looks like a tree to me but I see the visual and textual connection of each individual stanza.
You lost a lot of words like 'the' 'as' and 'and'. Perhaps this makes it a little disconnected or disjointed. But it seems to work. By the way is that a rhyme i see in your last stanza? Shock, horror! :P
Thanks for this ;)
Post a Comment