You paint your usual powerful Tiger image in this. I'm with you right up through "slice through sod..." I can see how knees can slice through sod at an outdoor prayer gathering or in this case a funeral but fork? I think you are creating an image of the mourners digging into the earth but knees though they are often bony don't fork as I recall.
Maybe something more like a trowel would work a little better? Also maybe it's time to use something other than sarcophagus. :D What's wrong with tomb or sepulcher if you like the S sounds?
One of these days I'm going to have to tempt you to write longer poems. ;)
I do like the word tomb, it seems to sound perfect for the piece and it is a nice short word rather than the long weighty word - 'sarcophagus'.
Yes 'fork' doesn't seem to belong there, I had my doubts with such a word. Even claw that doesn't seem to belong there, maybe 'dig' might work.
Many thanks for the help ;) Maybe one day I will get the courage to write longer poems, you know I've had some bad experiences with longer poems. Keeping them short helps me not to write about the world and everything in it.
very strong images and great choices of words, i think. i also love the title. i love all the words but for me the last bit, "shrouded, round/tomb" doesn't quite work. i like it all separately, but not toger. i think i'm stucke on "round" and "tomb". maybe its because with the rest of the poem--the "We" in the beginning, as well as the communal act of attending a funeral--and then also "our knees"--somehow make me think that "tomb" should be "tombs". maybe not though. just my personal opinion.
You know tiger I really like this one and I think you have it right up to the last two lines. What about: round shrouded tomb? I don’t really know if that fits, it may not.
Anyway, very nice work. I love the sparseness here.
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5 comments:
First of all, this is a nice title. :)
You paint your usual powerful Tiger image in this. I'm with you right up through "slice through sod..." I can see how knees can slice through sod at an outdoor prayer gathering or in this case a funeral but fork? I think you are creating an image of the mourners digging into the earth but knees though they are often bony don't fork as I recall.
Maybe something more like a trowel would work a little better? Also maybe it's time to use something other than sarcophagus. :D What's wrong with tomb or sepulcher if you like the S sounds?
One of these days I'm going to have to tempt you to write longer poems. ;)
tempt me to write longer poems? Never! :P
I do like the word tomb, it seems to sound perfect for the piece and it is a nice short word rather than the long weighty word - 'sarcophagus'.
Yes 'fork' doesn't seem to belong there, I had my doubts with such a word. Even claw that doesn't seem to belong there, maybe 'dig' might work.
Many thanks for the help ;) Maybe one day I will get the courage to write longer poems, you know I've had some bad experiences with longer poems. Keeping them short helps me not to write about the world and everything in it.
very strong images and great choices of words, i think. i also love the title. i love all the words but for me the last bit, "shrouded, round/tomb" doesn't quite work. i like it all separately, but not toger. i think i'm stucke on "round" and "tomb". maybe its because with the rest of the poem--the "We" in the beginning, as well as the communal act of attending a funeral--and then also "our knees"--somehow make me think that "tomb" should be "tombs". maybe not though. just my personal opinion.
yes, i have to work on this one. There's nothing like a little bit of self-flagellation to get the poetry going. Thanks for your comments ;)
You know tiger I really like this one and I think you have it right up to the last two lines. What about: round shrouded tomb? I don’t really know if that fits, it may not.
Anyway, very nice work. I love the sparseness here.
Thanks for a good read.
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