You think you see me
through the curves and unexpected
straits, the narrow spaces between
lines and letters. You think you know
where I’m going and what I mean;
where the path ends in silence
and the white hedgerows
do not yield.
You think you know me,
a familiar voice calling
behind all the while chasing
some other dream. These words
are not me, not what I am
thinking this moment, maybe
not even what I thought then
when I passed through
a white labyrinth and left you
to find your own way.
4 comments:
quite a different style this, and very direct.
I miss your imagery in this, though there is a little bit of it throughout, it is not central.
I realise that you are speaking of something close to you, but I really think it could do with more imagery and less use of the word 'I' though I understand that you are trying to make it more personal by using 'I'.
This isnt the first time I've noticed a departure in your work.
I really like the directness here…the use of “you” and “I”. I could not think of any better way to do this. It produces a tone where I can see you pointing your finger at someone as you address them and then turning away in the last two lines. Here is the imagery Tiger is looking for.
I got a hung up here on the when following then.
"not even what I thought then
when I passed through"
How about...
not even what I thought when
I passed through
I love it! As always, great work PB
Steve
Wow, PB, i really liked this...as you know poetry is NOT my strong suit--at least anything post-1850--but i fell in love with this. i loved the part "the narrow spaces between / lines and leters" and then the next sentence, "you think you know / where i'm going and what i mean" I just thought that you captured the mood perfectly with this, i have definately felt this way and could relate to it. but i did agree with the other comments about the one line in the second verse. i think steve nailed it, personally. but awesome work. i'm going to have to hang out in the poetry section a little more. take care, PB!
I want to thank you all for the very thoughtful comments about this one. I must confess that as usual I am up to playing tricks. Even when I seem direct, I really can't walk the straight line. :)
In truth, this piece uses what seems like a relationship to comment on the writer's relationship with his readers or lack of relationship obviously. The white hedgerows are the margins of the page for example. Sneaky. I know. My bad.
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