The dark nights under bridge
was enough to remind one of a doctor's visitation,
it wasn't the hollowed eyes or
frantic heels of doctor that could be compared,
it was the hush of sound
the low whisper of voice, of wind,
the buzzing of bells and gongs.
There was this smell of wounds,
like the smell of rats in gutter,
a sharp tang
that shot up the nose,
causing one to vomit a feast of a meal.
It was the nights under bridge
with only stars to guide the eyes
that made one live
the moon pale and mournful,
dressing the sky in all its weight.
In the dark patients in bed shuffled
a little cough, a moan of pain,
a long long sigh
as needles flicked and pricked an arm or two.
That was the one difference,
the hospital had no stars.
2 comments:
Just my opinion of course but this strikes me as an unfriendly poem. I enter this poem's world feeling like a stranger and having not one clue about anything you're describing. Why for example would nights under a bridge be like a doctor's visit? I have absolutely no idea.
A couple of small things: I think you meant "were" not "was" in the second line and you left the "or" hanging at the end of the third.
The dark nights under the bridge
were enough to remind one of a doctor's visitation,
it wasn't the hollowed eyes
or frantic heels of doctor that could be compared,
it was the hush of sound–
low whisper of voice, of wind,
the buzzing of bells and gongs.
Okay, that's how I would deal with some of my small concerns but I have to confess I don't understand the metaphor you've set up. I also don't get buzzing use with bells or gongs. An Irish usage that's different from our American one perhaps. Here, bees buzz, quite a few other insects buzz actually, then there are buzzers of course. Bells chime or ring, same for gongs.
In the second stanza my confusion is compounded. "smell of wounds" is a strong image and I know the smell, but then you have this simile with rats in a gutter that again I don't get. I know that smell too (I've been to New York more than once) and for me at least, they don't match nor does one illuminate the other in any way. On the other hand, vomit seems to be in the last line of the stanza more for the shock value than for guiding the reader in any way or illustrating anything.
I begin to think I know what you're driving at in the third stanza but I think you may not have done the work to earn the assertions you make here. Also "It was" at the beginning isn't really necessary and this way reads better, I think:
Nights under the bridge
with only stars to guide the eyes..."
Actually, I think this may be the beginning of the piece. It's clear and something most anyone can visualize after all. I don't know what to tell you about the next line though. Something is missing for sure. Why would any of the foregoing make someone live? I think you know that a pale and mournful moon has been over used in poems, also it doesn't tie into the medical thing you have going earlier, and perhaps most importantly contradicts the nice bit: "only stars to guide the eyes".
By the last stanza, I'm guessing that you've been talking about homeless individuals who get into a bad way and wind up dying in hospital. I'd like to know that for certain though, I'd like the poem to illuminate the scene for me a bit more.
My apologies if this sounds like a grouchy review. I've been holding off writing any comments because I was hoping my mood would improve. I'm hoping it has improved a little. Thanks.
i think it's a lot more clever then you realise, though i think it is quite scattered and disjointed so I'll have to look at it so i can leave a clearer picture in my readers mind. My fault. Thanks for the comment, very helpful;)
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