Somewhere in a distant time
I recall the heavy pressed air of loneliness.
This day by itself consoles the worn shadows
of that dark place. Cold rivers flow constantly
sculpting their way along the weakened banks,
each year cutting further into the land
as roots cling in silent desperation.
Fallen debris is captured,
tangled in a frothy mix
of the dead and dying.
Today the waters move unhindered
cleverly concealing life's sediments below.
5 comments:
Thanks for posting this one, Eve. I'm a sucker for weather poems. Hehee
I think perhaps you do not need "heavy" in the second line. I like "pressed air of loneliness" very much and I think it implies heaviness already, at least to my mind.
In line seven, I suspect you want something other than "silent desperation". A very good turn of phrase but of course over used. I have found myself using it more than a few times then replacing it. I think of it as a space holder phrase. :) Perhaps the phrase you want there is one that shows the way the roots cling, maybe something botanical even…
as surficial roots cling quietly
to unstable earth…
I dunno, you get the idea I'm sure and can come up with something far more poetic.
Love the last two lines though there may be a time problem going on. You have "distant time" to start with then "this day" then "today", could be I'm thick headed but I'm unsure whether "today" is the same as "this day" but it seems to me more like that this day is actually some transitional day between the other two.
Thanks again. Good catalyst this. :)
Hi Eve,
This is deep in a very confined space and very lovely. I think PB has offered up some sound advice.
What I love about this is the main idea/feeling captured in the last two lines, and how everything coming before describes "life's sediments below." That's very powerful.
I also got a little confused about "this day" and "today," so I think clarifying somehow will strengthen the poem.
I appreciate this.
Overall well done. Just a suggestion I would cut out your use of 'the' in certain cases such as - 'into the land' but that is just me.
The word 'sediments' is a clever word connecting water and life.
Thanks for this, I think the best one from you so far. Cheers!
-tiger
Eve, this is a really interesting poem. The idea that there is so much more going on with the flowing water than meets the eye is a good one, and makes for great imagery. I think the poem is strongest on "Fallen debris...dying."
I agree with PB that "heavy" could probably be taken out. And I agree with Gina that "this day" and "today" need to be clarified. Furthermore, I think you could take out the "by itself" in the third line.
Really nice work.
Thanks everyone, some very helpful suggestions here. I will rework the piece.
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