Our mornings remind me of a painting
(not a Bosch, thank God) I think Botticelli
made around 400 years ago.
He painted us.
Mars and Venus lie naked in an Olympian palace,
sipping white wine and munching chilled grapes
while sunlight bursts through a Palladian window
and Vulcan is watching from a corner burning
with jealousy and you know if Mars caught sight
of him he would be too willing to throw
him in the forge for disturbing the moment.
Because there is nothing I would rather do
than lounge around with you, even if
the windows have cheap plastic shutters
and even if the view is of another, identical
room, and even if the sheets are a garish hot pink
that Botticelli could never have captured without acrylics.
Even though they inhabit that moment forever
(I admit it would be nice),
we are better than a painting.
When I touch the surface in my mind
my hand doesn't go through. The canvas
is a wall, the scene illusory.
But when I pressed my hand to the curve
of your hip, it was real.
5 comments:
I am not sure who you are. your overuse of 'ands' are a little off putting. You can lose the word 'because' here 'Because there is nothing I would rather do
than lounge around with you, even if...'
You can also lose words like 'the' 'even if
the windows have cheap plastic shutters.' I suggest you lose the word 'the' does nothing for the poem.
I would also lose the word 'but' 'But when I pressed my hand to the curve
of your hip, it was real.'
I do not like your use of brackets, not sure what you refer to them where you are from - these things (). I think a comma could be useful instead.
I like the idea and the voice at times but it seems very slapped together and not much unity evident. You have something here though, just not sure how it could be re-worked.
I do like this - 'sipping white wine and munching chilled grapes
while sunlight bursts through a Palladian window' nice way to describe decadence which then relates back to the gods. Cheers for this.
I like the idea of this poem, but you lost me in the first stanza, because Modigliana lived from 1884 to 1920 and his paintings are very distinctive and not of the type you picture. You need a different painter. You can see his pictures here. Meanwhile you need to do some Google searches to find the an appropriate artist who matches your scene.
But the idea of the poem is great. But details matter. You have to do your homework.
Thanks to both of you. AKsteve, I am changing it now...I couldn't remember who did the painting I was thinking about when I wrote this, but someone just informed. I used Modigliani's name for the sound, but Botticelli sounds great and is actually accurate.
This is a very nice piece. Clever way to pay homage to the artist and the woman you have in mind at the same time. Well done.
The ending is splendid, for the image but I personally believe it captures the visual sensibility of the painter combined with the vision of a poet. I really enjoyed tis one, Sam. Thanks for posting it.
About AK Steve's remarks, I agree absolutely. Details are critical. That's why I'm creating a new site to go along with our library called Resources. When I'm finished I will have links to the museums of the world and the very best reference works online. Compiled this list from years of online research for poems etc, but have spent the last couple of months updating and adding to it.
I was wondering if you planned to change the name of this one, Sam. I was going to add it to our title index but haven't yet because I know that this name is probably not what you want. :)
By the way, AK Steve, that's a great museum link. Thanks!
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