This is something a little different from me and a little rough, so feel free to flog me.
There is a lull in the dark night
white eyes stare down -
voyeurs tune in from another world.
There is this little chirp of the cricket
a low buzzing TV in the ear.
A snap of twig is heard
made from rubber paw
of a white masked badger.
Raiders tumble out of bins
sniff and snort rummaging
around the green lawns of the sleeping.
When the round, yellow sun crawls up
the crunching of cornflakes commences,
traffic weaves endlessly on
as the badger curls up in
deep den and dreams of finding its
next meal.
2 comments:
As you said, a little rough. First, this seems to me to be wanting some commas here and there. :)
I got lost in a couple of spots..."voyeur tune in from another world" and "Raiders tumble out of bins..."
In the first instance, I realized that you're talking about the animal world tuning in to the human one (looking through garbage bins etc.) but the word "tune" is bothersome there. Tune in implies machinery almost always and paired with "voyeurs" suggests alien life rather than animal life. I know you're having a bit of fun with it but I think it needs to be a pair of words that can read both ways more easily.
I wish I could think what two words might work a bit better there but I'm having a sort of zero day here. One last thing, "the round, yellow sun" doesn't seem quite worthy of your imagery skills. I think you could come up with something a bit more evocative there, perhaps even something that fits the scenario you're describing a bit more aptly. Okay, that's all I got.
I do like the notion you're playing with here very much, Tiger. Thanks!
I like that idea of aliens coming into this human world. Unfortunately, I have these images of the animals in "Over the Hedge" (that I saw the beginning of on an airplane before retreating back to my book.)
But perhaps 'raiders' is better than 'voyeurs' since the badgers are not just watching, they are raiding the garbage bins.
What is a lull in the dark night? The first two lines don't work for me. I get "White eyes stare down through the dark night" but not what you have.
Is the cricket supposed to be the low buzzing in the ear? If we are from the point of view of the badger, I would think the badger would be at home with crickets and not think of it as a tv.
"A snap of a twig is heard" Passive voice is generally to be avoided (though there are times when it is appoprirate.) Who is hearing it? The humans whose territory is being invaded? I don't think so.
"A twig snaps" is much more powerful
Why is the paw rubber? Actually it could be read as a "made from rubber" paw.
Ah, you'll have to find another word - you already use the word raider. But voyeur isn't it.
The last stanza is great. But isn't 'round' redundant? Is there any other kind of sun likely to rise?
This is a cool idea for a poem, it just needs some rethinking of the beginning.
For me badgers are exotic. In California where I grew up they aren't common. These night raiders would be possum or racoons. Here in Anchorage, they'd be bears.
Good job.
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