I think this is my first poem here, but 15 hours on a plane (LA- Hong Kong) got me a little squirrely. So here's my offering.
Modern Travel
Skipping continents, like a flat round stone
Thrown from Anchorage’s snowy white hand.
Landing first in Mom’s lush L.A. garden,
Then friends, freeways, opera, all a blur.
Whirling off over ocean. Hong Kong,
Not long, before sinking into Bangkok,
A rock, settling in, lost now from sight.
5 comments:
I like this little piece a lot, Steve, starting with the image of skipping continents like stones. That works for me and I liked how you saw it through. Only two things sort of bug me–one (and this is just my own personal hang up) is the use of the possessive form of Anchorage. Sounds unattractive to my ear. Why not say, snowy white hand of Anchorage instead? Dunno. Probably just my strangeness. The other was a question in my mind really, why say, "Mom’s lush L.A. garden"? Are gardens in L.A. more lush than could be elsewhere? I dunno, maybe I'm trying to read something in that was never there. Or maybe I'm just sleepy. :)
Thanks for posting this. Hope the trip was worth it. Happy landings as they say.
I like this one, when you talk about the lush LA garden somehow there's a connection with HongKong. It reminds me of the HongKong gardens for some reason or has a comparison that things so far away can become so close. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Sometimes I think it is too simple yet it is more meaning to it than I can think. Cheers for this.
I like this piece. Short and sweet, loaded with imagery. And great use of verbs...whirling, sinking, skipping. All very nice. I disagree with PB about the possessive form of Anchorage. I like it better the way you have it.
The middle line: I would just come out and say "Los Angeles" rather than "L.A." You get more "L" sounds with the full name than with just the abbreviation.
To be fair, I did say this was my own personal hang up regarding possessives in poems. :D
I do agree with Sam's solution of changing L.A. to Los Angeles. That does sound better. Thanks again for posting this, Steve. How's the non-fiction coming? I think the site over there is getting pretty dusty. Heh
Thanks for all the comments. Sitting in a giant mall in Korat in NE Thailand now typing.
PB - Those of us who live in Anchorage are used to hearing the possessive used. But it could be changed. But since Sam is comfortable with it, I'll leave it.
My mom's garden is lush - she'll be 85 next week and keeping it is harder and harder for her and it is a jungle of ferns and other semitropical plants. Besides, flying in from Anchorage in February, it really looked lush.
I used LA because I tried to keep the whole poem in iambic pentameter. Los Angeles would mess that up. I know you all prefer rhymeless free verse, but I find the discipline of having a regular meter and rhyme a challenge that forces some discipline on me. I'm glad you liked the verbs Sam. I was trying to keep the idea of the rock being thrown throughout the poem.
No one mentioned the rhyme scheme. Did no one see it, or it just wasn't worth mentioning? I thought it was kind of cool myself, but maybe not. Thanks again for the comments. Yours too Tiger (I'm always a little confused between Ragingplanetfire and Tiger.)
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