I haven't been writing as much as I used to, and I feel like I'm getting rusty. Feel free to rewrite this, or tear it apart, or make any suggestion you want.
It was cold
and windy last night.
Those are my favorites,
though I hate
the winter, because it means
that you will elect
to stay in my bed
even though
it is roughly
the width of a sleeping bag.
Neither of us slept
a wink. The most comfortable
position required us to lay
on our sides, face to face.
With someone else
I would have to kiss
or talk to fill the space
between our lips.
With you I can be silent
for hours.
6 comments:
You don't do too badly when you're rusty. LOL But you are one for pre-writing as I like to call it. Whatever works. :)
The first stanza struck me as pre-writing of course. I don't think you need it. You probably do need some reference to the sleep arrangement in the next stanza, a quick mention is sufficient I think, as in:
Neither of us slept
in my shared cocoon,
a sleeping bag, cozy
but confined....
Something like that. heh I liked the meat of this, Sam. That last bit anyway. Especially the very last–
With someone else
I would have to kiss
or talk to fill the space
between our lips.
With you I can be silent
for hours.
Very real. I like real. :) Thanks! Welcome back by the way. Heh
This makes one wonder now doesn't it? Reminds me of a brutally cold night last winter. I had a three dog night. Aside from an occassional tongue across my face, it was rather nice. smile.
Anyway, great little piece, the last 6 lines really bring it home.
yes well it has already been said, but I will repeat it :P
It seems like this is a work in project
I do like this part:
With someone else
I would have to kiss
or talk to fill the space
between our lips.
With a little more work this piece will be much, much better. Thanks for this.
I'd almost ditch everything but the last six lines. Let the reader fill in the other details. These six lines are everything.
Thanks for the comments. I am definitely one for pre-writing. Sometimes I feel like I have to put down a whole lot of nothing on paper before I get a good line or two out, and then I don't know what to do with it.
Steve, I may very well take your advice if I can't figure out anything else to do with this poem. Those lines are the heart of it.
Yep I think that's the ticket. Last 6 lines. Short and sweet.
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