When the sea splashed
its white cold tide
up on sand brown beach
over hill of dunes and tundra
I stood still looked at sunset
and wished for my lonely figure
to be slowly washed away.
its white cold tide
up on sand brown beach
over hill of dunes and tundra
I stood still looked at sunset
and wished for my lonely figure
to be slowly washed away.
6 comments:
First, terrific photo. Of course I'm a sucker for seascapes. :D
Second, ouch. I think this is the saddest poem I remember of yours. I know the feeling though and it sort of socks you in the chest.
Two things I can suggest for this:
I'd like something more interesting where you have, "on sand brown beach". It just seems a little too plain to me. I would have gone for an unusual adjective there probably, something like draggled, one meaning of which is muddy and wet though the dragged through the mud definition is more common of course. Maybe some interesting comparison would do though, I think of what makes the sand on the beach, the grinding of stones into those fine grains. Either approach would seem better at least to me.
Also, a somewhat interesting misreading on my part (I really should get some stronger glasses. LOL). I read, "I stood still, locked on sunset" and that made me pause of course. I liked it. :) You're more than welcomed to it if you like it too. Then when I reread the piece I realized my mistake of course. Again, it seemed a little bit too plain to me but that's just me. Thanks for posting the poem and the picture. I'm loving this idea.
Hi Tiger,
Yes, another incredible photo. I've certainly been enjoying these...
I agree with PB, this poem socks one in the chest. I know I've felt like that at times. I think adding in just a bit more description would be good, without too much since you don't want the sock in the chest to get diluted. I wanted a comma after "stood still", but it's not obligatory. I love "When the sea splashed/its white cold tide"--simple, direct, but effective.
I hope you've gotten over the feeling. We'd hate to lose you!! :)
(not sure why only part of this go posted in previous post, have to figure out how to delete that post, anyway, here's the whole post)
I agree this is a powerful poem. I like it short and to the point. I don't agree with PB about the sand brown beach. It captures the muted colors well for me. But I would change the previous line to : "cold white tide" to match "sand brown beach." I like how these are words that slow down the pace. Saying them out loud, you tend to hold each word a little longer than normal.
I'm not sure about a 'hill of dunes' and tundra. The online Merrian-Webster dictionary (a handy resource at http://www.m-w.com/dictionary) defines dune as:
"a hill or ridge of sand piled up by the wind" so the 'hill of' seems redundant. And from my Alaskan perspective, tundra has a very specific meaning, and it doesn't happen in lower lattitudes much.
I agree with Gina about the comma after 'still, looked at sunset'
Maybe something like:
"I stood on dunes looking at sunset
wishing for my lonely figure..."
And my take isn't entirely morbid. There is the possibility of suicide. But also of merging with nature.
Nice job.
:) Thanks for your helpful comments. Hopefully you won't lose me :)
The comment about tundra confirms my thoughts about hill of dunes and tundra, thanks for this.
And I was trying to go for something as simple as possible yet still getting the emotion across through sound and the slow sort of tempo. I build a little bit more onto this piece and maybe when the mood suits me I might post another pic. Cheers
Tiger, very nice work. The only thing I got hung up on was the word “tundra”…I believe you used it to show emptiness. Following “dunes” I think of tundra in the literal sense which seemed out of place to me. Unless I’m missing something. Anyway Tiger, this is a very nice poem. It says a lot with a little. Just what I like. -Steve
Steve - I'm sorry, I deleted this thinking that somehow I'd posted my partial comment by mistake. (I also mentioned tundra). You must have slipped it in while I was typing my comment. So I deleted it and finished my post. (One of the problems of all of us having administrator status, I realize now. I assumed it deleted because I'd written it. Anyway, I saw it in the emails and realized what had happened. So I recopied yours and put it back in. Mea culpa.
No problem Steve. Man that’s strange…a similar take on the same post at the same time. Figure the odds.
-Steve
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