Spinning around
arms outstretched
grinning and giddy like a
child you once were.
It’s your dance Janine
the same dance you always do
to music that only the both
of you can hear
- he always stands
over there - smoking
you see him and stop
wavering just a little
unbalanced fingers entwined
behind your tangles.
Janine you know he can’t
avoid your eyes
inviting, vibrant and
deep, oh how deep.
How could he turn away?
But he does turn away
Janine
- he always does.
He steps on his
cigarette and leaves.
Oh well, just a little shrug
then a laugh as you
begin turning
it’s your dance again
Janine, but you know
he’ll come back
- he always does.
4 comments:
Steve, you must be one of those writers who lets the good stuff simmer on the back burner before you post it. Heh This is outstanding work. Wonderful sound and cadence to it. I can see this girl too. Really good stuff. Just three small things:
The punctuation perplexed me a bit. I know I don't have any room to be criticizing anyone's use of punctuation given my own bad habits but I think this wants a comma here and there for clarity. Like after "It's your dance, Janine," for example. I know you're building up the spinning and the dizziness but I think a wee breath here and there wouldn't hurt the affect. :)
"Spinning around
arms outstretched
grinning and giddy like a
child you once were."
Now I'm back on harping about the line breaks. Heh A lone "a" at the end of a line always strikes me as such a waste. I can think of no good reason to end a line on any determiner actually. Not ever. :D
Perhaps you could do something like this with it:
Spinning around
arms outstretched
as the grinning and giddy
child you once were.
See? Avoids that orphan a all together.
And the last bit, I thought when I hit:
"But he does turn away,
Janine–
he always does."
Well, I thought that was going to be the end, and a darn good one it would be too by the way. I added the comma after away because of the direct address and I moved the dash to the line above because somehow it reads better for me that way. I don't think you need that last stanza, Steve. Seems like a little too much explaining after having shown me so beautifully and so much. Just my opinion of course. I don't doubt three other people would say I'm dead wrong. Great stuff. Thanks, Steve!
This is an interesting piece.
When I first read it I thought that 'he always stands' was a stop and 'over there' was a new thought which didn't flow well to me but then I realised that 'he always stands over there' is one thought so I wonder if wedding the two stanzas might flow better and then let the last stanza come full circle as I think your entending it to do.
Of course I could be totally wrong and often am so take everyhting I say with a grain of sand. Well almost everything, smile.
I enjoyed the softness in this piece.
Very nice work here. Thanks for sharing it.
PB and Eve, thanks for the feedback…took me a little while to get back to this one.
PB, I wrote the last stanza because it hadn’t quite said what I wanted to. Looking at it again your right; I probably could lose that part.
Thanks for the help with the punctuation…also right about that “a” stuck out there. Don’t know why I didn’t see that.
Eve, I broke that line between stanzas to give pause…sort of a pause to search. I’m not sure if it works though. It might be too confusing to the reader to be able to pull it off.
My thanks again to both of you.
-Steve
hum...I can feel the pause but it is different from the other stanzas. It is also written differently. Now I'm confused. Bottom line is this: I have read and listened my way to understanding.
Thanks
It's the use of hiphens that slipping me up Steve. Onary boggers they are! I just figured it out though, forgot to read in the caps.
God I love this place!
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