There was this sudden chill
as she sat propped up by pillows;
her breath fogged up the window glass
and then lingered for a time.
The sky was uneventful grey,
an indication of her mood,
the growing distance in her voice
startled us.
We discovered the cancer had eaten her,
weeks slowly emerged as days,
as we sadly sat realising we would lose her.
At times we whispered when she slept,
sang songs when she had wakened,
and thought of her when we ate
our dinner silent.
There were days when we all sat round
not knowing what to say
and turned to listen to the skitter of feet
treading down the corridor,
belonging to some unseen face.
The day she left us
we sadly turned away,
sauntered through the ward, and out
of heavy doors to find some peace
in tall trees and flowery beds
where she once sat listening
to the wind. The song of birds
lighting up her face with sun.
4 comments:
Tiger, this is a really powerful piece. There's a lot going on, and you've captured a few moments in a way very few writers could have.
A couple of things: I'm not sure it's necessary for you to say that "cancer" was eating her. In fact, I think it takes a little away from the image. Also, the fact that it's cancer seems of little importance---what matters is that "she" is dying. You might just say "We discovered she was being devoured from inside" or something like that.
The last line of the poem is interesting, but with that fragmentation, it sort of sticks out like a sore thumb. If I were you, I might try to find a way to integrate it.
Nice work.
This is a powerful piece.
I would lose the third stanza completely, as Sam says its not needed and takes away from the piece. It is always better to show the reader not tell them. The last stanza is brilliant, elegantly conveyed. I might lose the 'of' in front of 'heavy doors'.
Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks both of you for the comments, they addressed a few problems I had with the poem.
Cancer is definitely a word that is not needed and really does say more than is needed.
I am still not too sure with the last line I thought the full-stop could work but still not convinced.
I will look at this piece again. Cheers.
Tiger, not too much I can add here that wasn’t already said. I have to agree about the third stanza; it seems to throw a wrench into it (the flow of the piece) when I read it. Reading through again and skipping that part I believe improves it.
In this line here:
“sang songs when she had wakened,”
Is “wakened” the right word, or perhaps “awoke”; not sure.
Anyway, very nice work Tiger. Thanks for posting.
-Steve
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