I wake to slight stirrings
that well within the soft contours of hope.
Stretching I reach in to feel the warm liquid
of loves healing touch.
I sit upon the edges of deep rivers,
my feet soothed by the flowing waters
brushing over my skin, rising my senses,
heightening my desires.
With eyes closed, love binds me secure
and I find myself pressed on all sides.
Embedded deeply, my vision moves
easing me into its cool clarity.
Destiny's currents gather me in arms
as I release my weakened hold
floating in a surreal ecstatic joy
melding into rhythmic movements.
In the dream, behind teared eyes
I am carried along rooted banks
that weep as I pass slowly by.
Guided gently around, I bend.
I dare not open my eyes to see
nor speak out beond a whisper.
Love ripples across the surface
turning me over in fluid thought.
Ers Copyright ©2003
3 comments:
I liked the core of this one, Eve, but it seemed less focus than your usual, and the fifth stanza seemed out of sync with the rest. I sensed no self pity in the rest of this, fear yes, but not self pity. Just my take on it naturally, I could be missing something completely, maybe this is very personal to your vision. Anyway, I hope you don’t mind but I did my usual editor thing and came up with this:
I wake to slight stirrings in the well
within the vague contours
of hope. Stretching I reach in to feel
a warm and familiar touch.
I sit by the edge of deep rivers,
my feet soothed with flowing waters
melding with skin, raising senses
with expectant desire.
Eyes closed while love binds me
secure, pressed on all sides.
Embedded deeply, the vision
eases me into its tempting clarity.
Destiny's currents gather me
in the wash and I release
this weakened hold floating
on a surreal joy, ecstatic
melding rhythmic movements.
I dare not open my eyes to see
nor speak out beyond a whisper.
Love ripples across the surface
bathing me fluid thoughts.
Thanks for posting this. I look forward to more soon. :)
Yes I think you're right, let me work on this a bit more. Thanks for the imput, always helps to get a new percpective. Very old piece.
I like the feel of this piece, but I might reccommend going back and trying to simplify the language. Words like heightening, ecstatic, etc---those polysyllabic things---can sometimes dampen the emotion behind a poem.
Hopefully I don't sound like a moron who doesn't understand words with more than two syllables--this could just be personal taste combined with what I've been reading lately.
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