A re-working of a poem that had too much going on the last time around. Hopefully it reads a bit easier. Cheers!
Once
The sky darkened,
and the stars gathered
as we sifted through dirt and fragments,
carefully uncovering a man
quiet and skeletal,
fragile and peat,
fingers sharp as little arrows,
and thin curled toes.
With a skull shaped like the moon.
We knelt, picking our minds
for information
wondering who this man was
and where he hunted food.
Travelling with no roads
or maps as guides
only the stars.
2 comments:
Tiger I remember this one.
I don’t remember how the earlier version read but this one reads nicely and has the focus that I think you wanted to fix.
I have never been clear about the commas at the ends of the lines. Sometimes I put them there and sometimes I don’t. I don’t know if they are needed or not, but they certainly don’t take anything away by being there, in my mind.
Nice work.
Hi Steve. Thanks for the comment, nice to hear that it has a focus.
About the commas at the end of lines, I don't really know if they are needed either. I think it is more of a style thing nowadays and quite a few recent poets I know of drop commas at the end of lines altogether.
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