The day arrives skin-cold and dog damp,
the sun wilts brown and overripe,
filthy soot clouds coat the sky.
Temperatures frost, icing over walls
and footpaths, covering thick layers of earth,
blanketing wood, harvested for a blazing fire.
Hills curve and disappear as the
afternoon arrives cat-black,
the arctic moon grows round and full,
white smoke dances out of chimneys.
2 comments:
I want to say first that I like "dog damp" a lot. I know exactly what that looks like, smells like, etc and so does everyone. Really nice.
I'm fond of tying metaphors and similes up with a nice bit of twine that pulls you through a poem. I'm not saying I always manage it myself just that I enjoy it when it's pulled off. On the other hand, I think I get led astray when there is no unity or thread that I can see so I start looking for connections that aren't there perhaps. Blame me entirely if you will since I know this is likely my own fault. :D
Things I can observe though: To me at least, brown is the color of rot or over dried. Maybe fruit in the motherland is different. No idea. I do think though that fruits turn to a color according to their kind and wilting is more what the greenery does...so perhaps try having the sun retreat in some way into that brown haze of wood fire smoke that I think you're meaning?
I know you've got something in mind with "blanketing wood" followed by a "blazing fire" but it is a mystery to me unless perhaps you're thinking of the way humans can tend things gently until slaughter...is that it?
"Arctic moon" is a nice pairing and I can see that smoke dancing under such a moon but the "round and full" put fecund or fertile or even more visually pregnant in my bear skull so maybe you want something different or I'm missing something... Quite possible of course. LOL
Um..."cat-black" to me is not nearly as sensual as dog damp so maybe give the cats a bit of equal time? LOL I think you know what I mean. Or better find another fresh pairing or one that has another meaning that also works in that spot? Off the top of my head I thought of "lamp black" which of course describes a sooty lamp but also refers to the substance that could go somewhere. There are hundreds of possibilities of course.
Thanks for this and my apologies for taking so long with it. Happy holidays to you!
thanks for the helpful comment. I realise that images and ideas should tie in with each other and that is something that I think I wasn't able to do well enough.
I'm going to have to edit this again. Once again thanks for all the helpful suggestions. Take it ez.
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