I never leave without
visions in my heart
lit by summer moon
of dark blue tinged
peering through ample
foliage where I last
was loved by her.
With the stars
melting in a honey dawn,
feet treading the hard
calm black river
navigating stones and holes
with a wit of their own
leaving the heart free,
entwining its passions
like so many valentine
parcels stowing them away.
7 comments:
Hey PB
Overall I really like this. I got a little hung up on two small parts: ample foliage in the first stanza and valentine parcels in the last. Do you need the word “ample?” Perhaps another or just drop it?
As for “valentine parcels” …for some reason that tongue ties me. May be the word valentine, or it may just be me.
The second stanza is great. I wouldn’t touch it.
Nice work, thanks for posting.
Steve
Something small that is bothering me is the second stanza and the use of the word 'with' on the very first line. Is there a need for this, it could just read, 'the stars'? Maybe it just me being difficult but I have trouble with that. Difficult me!
I do like this:
summer moon
of dark blue tinged
Thanks for the read ;)
Thanks for the comments as always, guys. Much appreciated. Steve, I agree absolutely about both ample and valentine though I believe I fooled around a bit with the second stanza before I saw your comment. Oh well. :D
Tiger, I do not think you were being difficult at all. As usual, you made me see that I was using a regional sense of the word "with" and I quite understand your objection so of course I fixed that. Cheers!
Memento
I never leave without
visions in my heart
silently lit by summer moon,
darkly blue tinged, ghostly
peering down through wind
tossed foliage where I was last
loved by her.
While stars
melted before a honey dawn,
feet treading a hard calm
black river pavement
navigating stones and holes
with a wit of their own
leaving the heart free
to entwine its passions
like so many parcels,
stowing them away.
It reads much better pb, especially the last stanza. Cheers!
Thanks, Tiger. Much appreciated!
one thing that always caught me was this line: 'where I last was loved by her'. Wouldn't it read a little smoother if you said, 'where I last was loved'. Just something I thought of. Take it easy
I keep coming back to this one. I do enjoy the first two stanzas immensely as they flow smoothly and have great sound. Once again thanks for the read! Oh and I do like your shorter poems :P
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