I know it is a bit rough, and the ending could be worked on a bit but I thought I'd let you have a look. Open to any suggestions. Cheers.
Light Fades
The afternoon sun fades,
flickers autumn light,
casts shadows over hillsides,
lightly tiptoes past aging trees.
And then the dark settles in,
Reminding me of when winter
sleet sweeps over forests
sending tall oaks into a gentle sleep.
Lost alone in deep dark memories.
3 comments:
Well, I couldn't resist playing around with this one. My old bad habit returns...
Afternoon sun flickers
autumn light gives way
casting shadows over hillside,
lightly tiptoes past aging trees.
Nighttime curls in the customary
place so like the uninvited
stray on your porch.
A fearful echo of winter
sleet sweeping over forests
sending tall oaks to gentle sleep.
lost alone in dark memories.
As always, use whatever is useful and forget the rest. LOL I know I've changed your meaning quite a lot but in some way I think maybe what I've written is leading more definitely in the direction you were headed. My apologies if I'm mistaken. Definitely quite possible. LOL
It still baffles me how you can re-write poetry this way PB. I can do this with prose, but poetry…it’s very hard for me to get past what is originally written. Not sure why.
Well Tiger, the things that jumped out at me are first the line in the middle: “And then the dark settles in,” seems out of place.
The “fades” used in the first two lines seems redundant.
Instead of “flickers” in the third line, perhaps flickering and in the next line maybe tiptoeing instead of tiptoes. Also, can you tell me that the trees are aging without telling me they are aging? Another word perhaps?
I cant suggest much for the last stanza; I like the last line “Lost alone in deep dark memories”
Nice work Tiger.
Perhaps I edited the hell out of it. Hopefully it reads better. And pb you and your edits! Gosh! :P I couldn't get them out of my mind and ended up using them.
Here's the latest:
Afternoon light curls
autumn sun over hillsides,
lightly tiptoeing past greying trees,
swaying through forests
blanketing over tall oaks,
creeping in like the customary stray
uninvited at the door. Then vanishes,
leaving us alone and lost in our memories.
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