This is rather rough, but its my latest. Sorry to have been absent so long!!
"What is stillness? It is in no way merely the soundless." -Heidegger
What I hear
most here
is stillness.
It hovers
awaiting definition:
the spaces
between words.
The trees speak gently
chattering leaves
straining, I listen
It hovers
behind noises:
the pause-ending
of a sigh.
I want to know the secret
everyone here keeps
so quiet.
4 comments:
L.O. this is really nice. It doesn’t seem very rough to me…I like it.
Do you need the “here” in the first stanza? Does this work?
What I hear most
is stillness.
A little simpler probably. The word “here” kind of stuck out at me in the last stanza also…I played around with it some, but couldn’t come up with anything better than you had written.
Not sure if you need the “:” after noises in the fourth stanza. Perhaps a semi-colon, comma, or nothing.
Very nice work, thanks for posting.
I agree, this does not have a rough draft feel to it at all, but seems very carefully crafted. I really respect your take and perspective on the concept of silence and stillness; and the fact that you were able to successfully personify something like stillness, which IS the definition of nothingness, and give it substance (the end of a sigh, the spaces between words). Great stuff.
Truly this is more outstanding poetry, LO. So much so that I think I might be inspired a bit. Some small suggestions:
What I hear
most now
is stillness.
It hovers
awaiting definition:
the spaces
between words.
The trees speak gently
chattering leaves
straining I listen.
Quiet hovers
behind noise:
the pause ending
of a sigh.
I want to know
the secret everyone
here keeps
hushed in hallways
where stillness trudges.
Okay, I did a bit more than I intended. I got carried away. Please feel free to ignore me or use whatever you like. I told you that you inspired me! Well done!
thanks for the comments and revisions, everyone. i really appreciate all of them! will keep working on it...seems like my own things never really move beyong feeling like they are in the first draft. i think that is a pretty common feeling though.
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