I like this one. It is nice and direct with a minimal amount of words. I wouldn't change anything, did only thing i was wondering was could you lose the word dust in the second stanza - that way keeping it a bit of a mystery and yet keeping the title 'dust'.
No complaints really. I don't get online much anymore, but it is rewarding when I do come on to read something like this. Thanks ;)
I too really like the sparseness of this poem and felt the frustration of not seeing thru the dust.
I love the image of squinting under a cupped hand - we all have done that and know immediately what you are trying to convey.
"for the glimpse I thought I saw."
glimpse bothers me here. The sound of the word fits nicely, but the meaning is slightly off. You are trying to see again something you saw, an object, a person. But glimpse is a noun describing how you just barely saw, it isn't the thing you saw."What I saw" is better for meaning, but 'what' is a pretty neutral word.
I'd also change the last line:
Or rather where will I have been?
to match the will in the second sentence of the stanza.
i like this one as well, and don't really have much to add...except i personally liked the last line, "where have I been". it adds to the ambiguity of the rest of the poem...if you're peering through dust, the implication for me is that you are blinded, which fits perfectly with the idea of not knowing where you have been. it also goes will with only thinking that you have seen something. personally, though, i'm getting hung up on the comma at the end of the second to the last line. it feels like it interrupts the poem a little too much...i think it would flow better without it. then again, i've been grading papers for so long that i've become irritated by commas in general, so feel free to disregard. :-D
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4 comments:
I like this one. It is nice and direct with a minimal amount of words. I wouldn't change anything, did only thing i was wondering was could you lose the word dust in the second stanza - that way keeping it a bit of a mystery and yet keeping the title 'dust'.
No complaints really. I don't get online much anymore, but it is rewarding when I do come on to read something like this. Thanks ;)
I too really like the sparseness of this poem and felt the frustration of not seeing thru the dust.
I love the image of squinting under a cupped hand - we all have done that and know immediately what you are trying to convey.
"for the glimpse I
thought I saw."
glimpse bothers me here. The sound of the word fits nicely, but the meaning is slightly off. You are trying to see again something you saw, an object, a person. But glimpse is a noun describing how you just barely saw, it isn't the thing you saw."What I saw" is better for meaning, but 'what' is a pretty neutral word.
I'd also change the last line:
Or rather
where will I have been?
to match the will in the second sentence of the stanza.
Nice poem.
i like this one as well, and don't really have much to add...except i personally liked the last line, "where have I been". it adds to the ambiguity of the rest of the poem...if you're peering through dust, the implication for me is that you are blinded, which fits perfectly with the idea of not knowing where you have been. it also goes will with only thinking that you have seen something. personally, though, i'm getting hung up on the comma at the end of the second to the last line. it feels like it interrupts the poem a little too much...i think it would flow better without it. then again, i've been grading papers for so long that i've become irritated by commas in general, so feel free to disregard. :-D
I agree with AK Steve about "glimpse". My only thought was this:
under a cupped hand
glimpsed what the mind
thought I saw.
This way glimpse is a verb of course.
I also agree with LO about that last comma. Thanks, Steve.
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