Todays
I pasted love
on walls
that resemble
the cave
you once put me in
I acted out
dreams and thoughts
plots and schemes
of hope and change
much like the today
behind all this
dying of old age
before ever
being recognized
for what it is.
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4 comments:
Which one should I look at? Ok, I'll comment here.
I like the opening line, the voice is clear and confident. the 'I' is firm and resolute.
I like the word 'pasted' it makes me think of 'copy and paste' and 'walls' could also communicate as being a page or a section on a webpage. I like this connection.
There is no need for 'much resemble' resembled will suffice. Much makes it grammatically wrong and very weighty.
Do you mean 'cave' or 'cage'? I realise that cage is the obvious connection to the next line 'you once put me in', but I like the word 'cave'. A cave is dark and what lies inside is unknown, rather than being the typical prisoner in a cage the cave seems more problematic and frightening. It is still a prison but a perplexing one at that. You are also disconnected with the world, perhaps having no contact with reality.
I really like that first stanza. I would be happy with that being the entire poem. Ok to continue...
'I acted out', acted is the most powerful word as it connects to the previous stanza and the word 'resemble'. It also conflicts nicely with the word 'love' as well as with the words 'dreams and thoughts'. So by acting out ones dreams does that mean that you realised your dreams or does it mean that you dutifully performed certain dreams that may not have been your own? You do not say, 'I acted out my dreams'. I guess it could be read both ways. Also the word acted, also makes me think of the word copy relating to the word 'paste' though I can explain me reason for this image.
I am a little confused when i come to this part, 'much like the today
behind all this' What confuses me is the word today and that you are saying today is behind all this. All I can read into this is perhaps that all days are like today or feel like the present even though they are gone, though I feel this part could be done a little better.
Perhaps, you could lose the word 'the' before 'today'.
Overall, a lovely little bit of poetry that is wonderfully layered. Thanks for this ;)
I'm a great lover of third and fourth meanings of words and also their history. It's undoubtedly the reason that I fell in love with poetry as my writing form of choice, so many opportunities to exploit my passion. :)
In case you're wondering why I began this way, this would be the reason:
Main entry:
Paste
Function:
transitive verb
Inflected Form(s):
past·ed; past·ing
Date:
circa 1562
1 : to cause to adhere by or as if by paste : stick
2 : to cover with something pasted on
Second entry:
Etymology:
alteration of baste
Date:
1846
1 : to strike hard at
2 : to beat or defeat soundly {pasted their opponents 42–0}
Of course you're primary language is not English so I'm not sure if you were aware of the alternate meanings of "paste" but it certainly puts a different spin on the poem if you did know them. :)
Don't you love English for all of these wonderful obscure word meanings? (I did mention that it's my passion. LOL)
I have to admit that I would like the first stanza much more if you could find a different way of saying "you once put me in". To me at least, this sounds far to bitter for poetry, bitter and angry. Of course, anger is okay in poems, passion is a good thing naturally but anger is a difficult emotion to manage in a poem. The poem will tend to descend into rant or something self absorbed that is difficult for a reader to share. This is by no means what I consider a great solution but still it would work better I think:
I paste love
on walls
that resemble
a cave
where I found
myself once
without
you.
I think probably that's a bit of e.e. cummings influence on me and only a rough idea but I think you can see what I mean. One reading brings us the idea of being led to a place and abandoned but of course there are a few other ways to read it and to me that's the great fun in poetry. What makes it personal so to speak. :)
About the second stanza, Tiger could tell you that we both shun conjunctions especially "and" whenever possible much as we shun determiners, "the" or "a" and prepositions like "out". Maybe you can get Mr. Tiger to explain his reason for this but mine is simple enough, they break the flow and generally are unnecessary to the meaning. So I say pitch them where you can:
I acted
dreams
thoughts
plots
schemes
This next bit needs an image in my humble opinion. Something that might be found in your cave perhaps? Something to show rather than tell. As a chink in the roof of a cave may cause beautiful and ever changing mineral formations to occur or even lakes created by opalescent mineral deposits so it could paint a picture of the condition you mean?
"of hope and change
much like the today"
The next bit is just me noodling around. I hope you don't mind. I'm OCD about word juggling. Just me having a bit of fun really or being crazy perhaps. :)
behind all
this dying
of age,
dying
before
recognizing
the place
for what it is—
And another image here if it was mine that is.
I hope that's a bit helpful. I guess I've just given you a good deal of insight into this twisted mind of mine. LOL As if you wanted that. :D Cheers!
Josephine:
I’m not going to add too much more here. I agree with Tiger, this is a nicely layered piece. I like how it expands, almost with each line, out from a single point to encompass several emotions. Very nice work with that.
I enjoyed it.
-Steve
Thanks for all the comments you guys!
I changed some of the things Tiger said, I believe.
And thanks for the background info P.B., I wasn't aware of the other meanings of 'paste'.
I'll think some more about the other suggestions.
Thanks for all the feedback!
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