Its odd how I know you
were here. And after weeks I
wander in to drop my
boots in that spot by the door where
they always sit. My cat is hungry she
hasn’t been fed today
or the other day
as you were in a hurry when you
packed. No perfume on your wrist
but boots on your feet that look
just like mine
by the door.
4 comments:
steve, i really liked this poem. i enjoyed beginning part the most--the first sentence really grabbed me, its so relatable. i thoguht the length was perfect, just enough to convey the melancholy tone of the work but not enough to be overdone. if it were my work i would play with the line breaks a little bit. especially in the middle of the poem, beginning with the line "My cat..."
i think i would change it to:
My cat is hungry
she hasn't been fed
today
or the other day.
you were in a hurry
when you packed...
or something a little different. i just think that this emphasizes the real story within the poem instead of the side story--does that make sense? well anyways good job with this and good tinkering!
Hey Steve, good work here. I agree with LO about everything but I would add that probably you want to avoid line breaks on words like "where". You can usually get the most mileage out of nouns, verbs, and adjectives. Breaking that line on "that spot" has one effect and on "by the door" has another. Make sense? If it was mine then I'd probably do something like this:
Its odd how I know you
were here. And after weeks
I wander in to drop
my boots in that spot
by the door
where they always sit.
My cat is hungry
she hasn’t been fed
today
or the other day
as you were in a hurry
when you packed. No perfume
on your wrist but boots
on your feet that look
just like mine
by the door.
Just my little quirks. Hope it helps a bit. :)
I love the sound of this. I wouldn't change anything the structure was spot on for me. No complaints here and no tips either. It just rolled off the tip of my tongue. A very well done.
Thank you all three for help with this one. I kicked the idea of this one around for awhile. I’m glad you all liked it.
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