The prose muse has completely abandoned me until further notice, but i thought i'd give another try at some poetry. i like the idea of this poem but am not sure of the vibe...but without letting others see it, it can't get much better, right?? so here goes!
Tires brush the pavement
where the stars shine grey.
One hand, out the window,
tickles at the soft underbelly of the wind
as it washes through leaves.
Slap-swish, gently,
as waves against the shore.
Landlocked a thousand miles
in a sea of unmanned intersections,
flooded with flashing lights.
Red. Yellow. Yellow. Red.
Too late to be
early, too early
to be late
I wonder
if I take a breath
and lean back
will I float?
3 comments:
I shyed away from this one as I hate having to add my two sense first as I am at times afraid to comment lest my opinion is deemed wrong.
Since i am a sucker for shorter length poetry I loved your first four stanzas. Great sound and imagery. I think you managed to capture something there. Your introduction of the line: 'Red. Yellow. Yellow. Red' - though it communicates the yellow lines and the red light. I couldn't get over the line though. Maybe it is because I thought of that tongue twister, ' Red lorry, yellow lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry...' and on and on it goes.
Just my opinion, I would end it on the fourth stanza or if you could manage another stanza to end it. Adding another stanza may be a better option as the rest that follows seems very trivial to me.
Maybe i have a fascination for shortening poetry, and this poem excites me, wishing that I could have written this and been able to shape something out of this. Great going! ;)
You're more then welcome to visit us poets anytime. Your poem shows that you are more than capable of writing poetry.
LO, what can I say? Wow! You blew me away with this. I love it. I really do.
"Tires brush the pavement
where the stars shine grey."
If I were a paranoid bear, I'd suspect you started this way to hook me. ;) Of course, I know that's not true and I'm only teasing but honestly that's a wonderful image.
Well, I could go on cheering for every stanza but I won't. Just one other mention, "tickles at the soft underbelly of the wind/as it washes through the leaves." is bloody brilliant though I don't think you need the "at" because it breaks the beautiful flow of the language and well personally I think it's unnecessary.
IMHO, this is your best poem yet. Take a bow!
thanks for both of your comments. i feel like i am on the right track as this advice is what i pondered when i wrote this poem. i don't know yet about the last two stanzas, and thanks for your input tiger. also, i could tell that the word "at" was unnecessary...i actually thought about you, pb, when i was deciding. so i guess i should have paid attention!! anyways, thanks for the kudos and i will be working on other things!!
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