It is terribly rough, just something that I was working with. Perhaps it is only an idea or might just pass for a rough draft. I liked the last stanza but it doesn't seem to tie in with the other two stanzas. If only writing poetry could be easier.
Camera I
The camera intrudes,
voyeuristic eyes
shutter in light.
halloing form,
the tan of tone
sketches shape.
A tripod steadies the hands
but it can't steady the heart.
4 comments:
I actually like this, Tiger. I like where it's going but you're right, those last two lines don't belong with the rest. Partly I think it's because they're trying to tell too much maybe. Then there's the fact that they seem rather heavy in comparison to the rest.
Question for you, does a tripod steady the hand or the camera? :)
My instinct is that you should work with those first lines and let the last two go...
well technically the tripod steadies the camera which in turn steadies the hand, if no remote is involved. So that was me thinking.
also the camera picks up every sort of shake from the hands to the beat of the heart. I think I could use the thought for a separate poem.
i read the original version as well as the modified one, and i agree that it is a strong poem but i think that the strength is in the first lines, like PB, rather than the last ones. i do like this second version better than the first, though. but somehow i think it gives a different kind of tone to the poem that isn't conveyed in the first half...if you're talking about voyeuristic eyes, i'm not sure how that related to the heart being steadied...maybe for me, at least, i need a little more to link the two ideas, to make it more cohesive. but i did love the bit "All is exposed/halloing form/the tan of tone..." i think that's classic tiger. good work!
Tiger I see what you were trying to do here and I think you should keep the last part. I agree though, as written now, it leaves the reader to make quite a jump to tie it all together. Rather than dropping the last two lines could you link the last part better? This really isn’t about light, but the effect of light. So, perhaps instead of “voyeuristic eyes” maybe voyeuristic heart, or something along that line. I know that may be a little more difficult to make work with the “light” theme in the first part, but I really think those lines, or some form of them, should stay. They bring home the effect of the first part.
Good job here. I’ve read enough of your work to know that you can pull this one together.
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