The rain drip-drops,
the dark grey sky,
frowns down, covering.
I sigh when the light disappears,
over mountain-tops,
past house and town,
and listen to the mutterings of other worlds.
Here the earth is drenched
with the tears of our forefathers,
who once grew tall wheat in fields,
who once gave life to barren landscape.
Now sickles lay idle,
the blossoming sky,
postcards in our memory,
we have stolen the sun.
3 comments:
When I first looked at this I thought it must have been written by somebody else. LOL Tiger, you and I are not exactly comma lovers, misusers often but not lovers.
I know what you're doing with the commas or I think I know but I wonder if you couldn't get a better affect from using end words that get the sound of rain rather than using the commas? Like this maybe:
The rain drip-drops
down grey sky glum
falling, frowning, covering,
I sigh
as light fails
over mountain-tops,
past house and town,
listening to mutterings
of other worlds.
Something like that. You notice I took out the extra instances of "the" except the one before rain? :)
The middle stanza seems wrong for you. Perhaps too explicit, telling too much. I think you could probably lose it all together.
The last stanza is vintage Tiger! Wow! Very fine. Excellent. Thanks!
hey tiger! thanks for posting this, i thought it was a good piece of work. like pb, i think that the third stanza was really awesome. i especially like the line, "postcaads in our memory". when i read that, about a million images popped into my head...and i thought, isn't that such a true statement?? LOL well anyways there's my thought to ponder for the day.
i did also agree with pb about the comma usage, especially in the first stanza. i think that many of them can be eliminated--they make the poem rather jerky, which does your awesome words and images a great disservice.
so i guess i'm just pretty much an echo of pb. LOL how helpful, right? but i really did enjoy this, and i'm glad to see you around!!
thanks for the comments both of you. I'm going to have revisit this one. Cheers ;)
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