for GOn one particular moment,
mind days steeped in frowzy
as I stretch back preparing to dive
into another numbing daydream,
it does not matter where or on what,
the ambience does not matter
nor the early June breeze
tickling these ears with my own
tousled locks. I saw you
in the unreal space beneath
my eyelids, I saw you sublime
whose face the countless
artists have tried to capture,
Botticelli could not contain that grace
with oils nor Titian embrace
this timeless look of love resting
so easily in your smile.
I knew how much I had lost
though I could not say how vast,
how impossible to bear more
than the endless miles
that separate us now and deeper
than the blue sky above.
I know this loss.
No dream will comfort me now,
no idle fantasy can lift me and yet
I have one solace still this certain
knowledge that you are.
Within your glorious face
I see God’s reality not just another
of this imagination’s conjurings
but his living presence in the world.
You have made grace true for me.
5 comments:
It seems like it's just us two on here these days.
I like the poem, I found it very engaging, though, I can't help thinking perhaps it is a bit too wordy. I would like to see it broken up into small little chapters like little poems that build a bigger one. I am between two minds trying to figure out if you are being too obvious or literal or if the poem needs that clarity.
There are sentences such as 'mind days steeped in frowzy' that I can't seem to work out. Perhaps it is my ignorance that the words 'mind days' throws me for a loop.
I do realise this poem is very personal for you and a very clear, calm voice is evident throughout. Though you are not resigned there is still a lot of sadness heard.
Top marks for creating such vivid images that are very revealing and intimate. A good read. Thanks.
I see what Tiger is saying here about how he would like to see this less wordy. I’m a little torn here though. Normally I prefer some degree of sparseness, however I’m not sure if you could paint the same picture with much less.
The first stanza does a great job of setting the stage for what follows. “frowzy” seemed to stick out at me a little though.
I don’t know what else to say PB. It’s a beautiful poem.
-Steve
this most definately is a beautiful poem, and i truly loved it. i am getting used to the rythm of your language and really enjoy it every time i read another poem. but anyways, i think that a couple of places really struck me as particularly wonderful. i liked "...I stretch back preparing to dive/into another numbing daydream/it does not matter where or on what..." that was amazing, the idea of numbing daydreams--that is such an accurate description of what such thoughts can do to us.
also, i loved the phrase "in the unreal space beneath/my eyelids". you frustrate me at times, simply because you take feelings and abstract ideas that i could never describe and put them into the most perfect words!
the only thing that really caught me up was in the last stanza--I would put some sort of punctuation between "reality" and "not". i'm not sure what. i'm pretty fond of dashes though...perhaps too much so! but then it would read, "I see God's reality--not just another..." but maybe you'll think that reads too choppily. LOL i think i just invented a word but you know what i mean. anyways, thanks for this lovely work!!
I finally got in. Thanks PB for my id again.
This is powerful. I agree with overdose, though I'm not even bothered by the lack of a dash.
Thanks for all of these comments, gang. I know this isn't one of my best, I know it needs work, but it just beats me what I can do with it. LOL I suspect it will come to me eventually. Welcome back to the US, Steve!
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